The characters of the Ranma 1/2 universe are the creation and
possession of the brilliant Rumiko Takahashi. 

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Hearts of Ice
Part 22: Heaven and Hell, Part Two
by Krista Perry 
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"Now it's over, I'm dead 
and I haven't done anything that I want
Or I'm still alive
And there's nothing I want to do."

          from "Dead"
          They Might Be Giants

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     "Ranma!"

     Ranma blinked as Akane's voice floated up from the dark
mists that writhed and curled beneath the towering, jagged peak
of the Mountain of the Ancient One.  Her voice pulled at him,
filling him with an incredulous joy that pierced him to his
core... and a near wild-eyed panic.

     Oh *crap!*  How could she be here now?  Now, of all times?

     Looking over his shoulder, he glanced at his lifeless body,
sprawled in the blood-soaked dirt of the narrow mountain path.

     He was dead.  And Akane was coming.

     He blinked.  Then, slowly, a deep scowl settled across his
features.  He sank to the ground, sitting cross-legged, and
folded his arms across his chest in a gesture of supreme
stubbornness.

     And then he didn't move.

     "Aughhh!  Cut.  Cut!"  

     The demons on the mountain heaved a collective sigh of
annoyance and headed back to their trailers for yet *another* cup
of coffee as a haggard-looking young woman stomped out of the
mists.  Her blonde hair was a tangled mess, pinned back sloppily
into a hair clip, and her eyes were shadowed and bloodshot. In
one hand, she clutched a Mountain Dew-stained legal-sized pad of
lined yellow paper covered with indecipherable scribblings.  

     Coming to a stop before the pig-tailed apparition, she looked
down and tried to muster the last shreds of her patience.  "Okay,
Ranma, what is this?  Why aren't you following the script?"

     "Because I *read* it, that's why," he snapped.

     That brought her up short.  He'd actually read it in advance
for once?  Well, she supposed she shouldn't be too surprised,
considering what she'd done to him in previous scenes...  "And?"

     He gave her a level look.  "You have no idea what the hell
you're doing, do you?  You're just making this up haphazardly as
you go along."

     The young woman spluttered indignantly.  "Of course I know
what I'm doing!  This is the Big Finale!  I've been planning this
for almost three years now!"  She shook the note pad in front of
his face.  "See?  It's all in my *outline!*"

     Ranma rolled his eyes.  "Whatever.  I ain't doin' this next
scene."

     "Why not?"

     "Aside from the fact that I'm still dead?" he, um,
deadpanned.

     "Being dead's not all bad," the young woman said reasonably.

     "Aside from the fact that demons shred my body, making it
impossible for me to come back to life?"

     "Well, heck, everyone's expecting you to miraculously come
back to life somehow, which is utterly ridiculous.  I mean, once
you're dead, that's it, right?  And besides, I'm trying to keep
them guessing."

     Ranma's glare sharpened.  "Aside from the fact that me and
Akane are never reunited and she gets eaten by the Ancient One?"

     "Hey, at least then you'll *both* be dead."

     "Yeah, and then her soul gets whisked off to the Chinese
Afterlife, where she's rescued by Susa-no-o, and they live
happily ever after, while I rot on this stupid mountain."

     "Well, Susa-no-o kind of has a thing for Akane.  I figured,
what the heck, why not?"

     Ranma stared at her incredulously.  "Because it sucks,
that's why!"

     The young woman shrugged.  "That's your opinion.  You just
don't have any appreciation for fine literature."

     Ranma jumped to his feet.  "Why you--!  After everything
you've done....  Man, you're just lucky I don't hit girls!"

     She stuck out her tongue at  him and pulled down a lower 
eyelid.  "You're dead.  You couldn't touch me anyway.  So, nyah."

     "Yeah, but *I* could touch you."  Ranma and the young woman
turned to see Akane walk out of the mists looking extremely
annoyed.  "Honestly, Krista.  A Self-Insert?  I thought you were
above this sort of thing."

     Krista blinked.  "Whatever gave you that idea?"

     "Gee, I wonder," Akane said dryly.  "Maybe it was that
little essay you wrote a while back where you stated, and I
quote: 'I personally find these types of stories boring and
unimaginative, since they are written solely as author
wish-fulfillment.  The S.I. author has an intended audience of
one.  He sets out only to please himself, and therefore, runs the
risk of entertaining only himself, even if his work is read by
the thousands of Internet readers.'"

     "Ah."  Krista gave a little nervous laugh, her hand behind
her head in embarrassment.  "*Now* I remember.  Oopsie.  I
thought I'd buried that on my home page."

     "Anyway," Akane said, drawing her katana which blazed to
life with bright blue ki.  "What's this about me getting eaten by
the Ancient One?"

     Krista held up her hands.  "Hey, I just thought it might be
a nice way for you and Susa-no-o to get together, you know?"

     Akane grimaced.  "Ugh!  While he's still using Hoso-no-
Kami's body?  I don't think so."

     Krista smacked her fist into her palm.  "Oh yeah, I forgot
about that.  Well, hey, how about this then?  Susa-no-o gets
caught by the Council and is forced back into his own body.  Of
course, he'll be trapped in Yomi Land, but you won't mind
spending a few eons with him there, right?"

     Akane's sword flashed, and Krista's head rolled a few feet 
to come to rest at the foot of Yin Wu Ch'ang Kuei.  "Dan," the
Chinese Emissary of Death  said around his swollen tongue.  "I'n
lathe."

     "I thought you were *never* gonna get around to doing that,"
Ranma said, walking over to Akane.  "Come on, let's get out of
here."

     Akane looked at him in dismay.  "But you're still dead!  We
can't leave you like this."

     Ranma shrugged.  "I'm sure there's another author out there
who's creative enough to fix this mess."

       Akane nodded thoughtfully.  "You're right.  All we've got
to do is post this to the ML and *someone* will come to our
rescue."  She glanced over at him.  "Although... that does mean
that there's a strong risk of this becoming a lemon."

     "Hey, *anything's* better than what *she* had planned."

     With that, they walked off into the mists.

     Krista watched them go, then looked down dejectedly at her
decapitated body.  "Well," she said.  "*This* sucks..."

--------------------

     Her eyes snapped open.  The first thing she was aware of was
a thin line of drool that was running from the corner of her
mouth, soaking her keyboard.  Groggily, she straightened in her
seat, reaching up to feel the damp square imprints imbedded into
her face.  When her eyes could focus on her computer monitor, she
saw that the entire page was filled with semi-colons.

     She looked at the clock on the nightstand next to the
computer desk.  3:45 a.m.  "Wow," she muttered.  "What a weird
dream."  Then her eyes widened.  "A dream...  That's it!  That's
the way to end it!  The whole thing will turn out to be a huge
DREAM SEQUENCE!" 

     She threw back her head (which was - thankfully - still
attached to her neck), took a deep breath, and the night was
filled with the sound of maniacal laughter.

                         The End

--------------------

Happy April Fools Day.  ^_^  

This has been a "Blame it on The Eternal Lost Lurker" Production,
although I take sole responsibility for the content.  ^_^  

A few Post-April Fools Joke notes:

1)  Yes, I am still working on the *real* Part 22.  ^_^

2)  The outline mentioned in the above pseudo-chapter *does*
exist.  On a Mountain Dew-stained legal-sized pad of lined yellow 
paper covered with indecipherable scribblings, even.

3)  The outline does *not* depict Akane getting eaten by the 
Ancient One.

And finally,

4)  Don't kill me.  ^_^

Krista