Sunday, December 28, 2003
So I went to a movie and the woman behind me had apparently turned off the ringer on her cell phone which I am sure we all appreciate, however, this did not stop her from answering a call. She answered this call, apparently, for the sake of saying "I'm in a movie, I can't talk now," for three minutes. What, I ask you, is the reason for answering the phone at all in this situation? If it had gone to voice mail, they would have gotten the point, I'm sure. She wouldn't have irritated her neighbors, she wouldn't have offended her friend, and she wouldn't have put off her date. On the other hand, what seems like common sense to me is often questioned by my friends, so maybe I'm wrong.
11:50 AM
Saturday, December 13, 2003
From: misha
To:
Date: Saturday, December 13, 2003 10:09 AM
Subject: Re: Meep..
I WANT to come to the party. I'd drop absolutely everything to be there, and I was really upset when I got the invitation last week because I knew I wouldn't be able to come.
I'm not mad anymore either. Not even a little bit. I can't back down either, though. It's you guys' choice to invite whoever you want, but you also have to respect my choice too, 'cause I have a right to protect myself from people when my gut feeling tells me they're not safe. That's all this is about, really. It's not about vendetta or crusade or the delusion that I'm going to be hurting someone who was ALWAYS barely more than a stranger by denying him the pleasure of my shining presence. I just ... have always had a really bad feeling around him, and back in July I thought that might change if we worked things out and I really got to know him, but things went really badly which I totally blame him for, and I definitely didn't think it was worth the effort any more, and then ... this is a really long sentance ... after what he did to Jeana and Anne, I knew that for me, it would have been better if I'd followed my original instincts all along because whatever excuses his friends make for him, that was a rat bastard thing to do. To anybody. That is a violation of the first order, and as a writer especially, it STILL outrages me. If it were a total stranger he'd done it to and NOT my naive baby sister, I'm sure I would still wig out completely if I knew about it. He's not a person I'll ever feel comfortable around, and it kinda scares me that he has so much access to you, but I've tried really hard not to interfere 'cause I know you can take care of yourself.
I don't feel that way about anybody in club. A lot of them ANNOY the hell out of me, but even my long time stalker Donald feels mostly harmless to me. Someone whom I should probably get a restraining order against just in case ;) , but not a big threat.
I also didn't realize that you weren't okay with my decision not to come to stuff if he's there. I would have been happy to explain my reasons, but I thought you got it and it wasn't really necessary. I'm sorry if I was wrong there and that you were uncomfortable.
So on top of feeling miserable for days about knowing there's a party and not being able to come, I found your post and it really upset me, because I thought 'I told everyone how I felt, and what I planned to do about it, and then, six months later, I did it as gracefully as I could. Where's the drama exactly?'
I just always felt like I was a real straight up kind of person. My life will stand up to scrutiny. That's part of the reason that he feels he can come anyway and pretend that everything is marvelous and I can't. I'm not as good at acting.
And frankly, he scares the beejeezus out of me. How can anyone smile and hate and lie all at the same time so much? It can't be good for his liver.
I'm not god. I can't see into his spirit. I may be totally wrong about all of this, but my gut tells me to stay away from him, and that's what I'm going to do. From now on it'll be better if you just don't tell me about gatherings if he's been invited. That way I won't feel picked on or left out or misunderstood when I have to say no. I'm not perfect. I've been feeling all those things. Especially since Stephanie's letter demanded that I come anyway and just behave myself in such a cheerful way. I guess she didn't know the whole story.
And that IS the whole story.
So, have a good time at the party and eat a lot of sugar and just ... be careful, okay?
And because all of your statements were public for anyone who knows the story to recognise, I'm posting this whole letter in my blogger because public statements deserve public response. Sorry, but those are the rules of engagement.
I'll see you on Wednesday.
10:17 AM
Friday, December 05, 2003
At my family Thanksgiving party it occurred to me that ALL of my married female cousins as well as my older sister who did the RIGHT thing for a good mormon girl and stayed pretty and perky and thin no matter HOW they had to do it until someone finally married them all got as FAT as me within a year AFTER they got married. It's not just in my family either. I see it all over. Take THAT shallow mormon boys who wouldn't so much as LOOK at me all those years because I STARTED OUT fat. Take THAT and DIE! BWAHAHAHAHA! Go home to all your FAT WIVES and suffer for ETERNITY! That's right, I said ETERNITY! All righteous mormon boys who choose a wife based on her dress size will have to deal with whatever other personality traits they didn't think to find out if she had BEFORE the wedding for-EVER!
And the thought makes my heart smile.
9:12 PM
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