Ad Finem ('til the end) A work of Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction by Michelle Thatcher ------------------------------------------------------------------- This story is a sequel to a short piece I did back in October of 2000 called 'Persephone's Dilemma.' Both stories can be found on my webpage at http://www.akane.org/michelle along with the sequel to 'Ad Finem' which is currently titled 'The Wasteland.' This story contains SPOILERS for the entire manga series as well as shonen ai (homosexual themes), immortality angst, and vast quantities of what my onee-sama calls 'WAFF' and I call 'undiluted sap.' You have been warned. I do not own any of the characters that appear in this fic. They were created by the goddesses of CLAMP, and are owned by lots of people who have never been in my kitchen. I do not have permission to use them in this story. I use manga continuity for this story, but not everything in it exactly matches the canon. If this offends you, I'm very sorry, but I'm probably not going to change it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- On the white throat of the useless passion That scorched my soul with its burning breath I clutched my fingers in murderous fashion, And gathered them close in a grip of death; For why should I fan, or feed with fuel, A love that showed me but blank despair? So my hold was firm, and my grasp was cruel- I meant to strangle it then and there! I thought it was dead. But with no warning, It rose from its grave last night, and came And stood by my bed till the early morning, And over and over it spoke your name. from "Ad Finem" by Ella Wheeler Wilcox ============= Chapter One ============= Sakura woke to the sound of birds and the cold morning light. Somehow this particular morning the compulsion to rise and greet the day seemed greatly muted, however, and she wondered vaguely if it had anything to do with the quickly fading whole body dream memory of being tightly wrapped in something soft and warm and infinitely comforting. She sighed a little trying to hold on to the sensation both sensual and spiritual. A good omen for the day to come, perhaps. But there had been more to it than that. When her waking mind struggled hard to remember why her emotional reaction to this dream setting had been so strong, all she came up with was a sense of almost childlike joy and a light warm tickle across her skin. Almost like ... feathers ... White ones. And then it was gone, and she shivered as her feet found their way out of the blankets and into the chill morning air. It was only September and already she was feeling the coming of winter deep within herself. She loved the anonymity that living this far north brought her, but she could easily have done without the severe winters. Anonymity. She'd lived in the middle of Tokyo for over a hundred and twenty years and no one had ever noticed that there was anything different about her. It had been foolish of her not to consider the possible consequences years earlier, though. It had been easier to think about such things after her father's death. Easier to leave the city where memories hung so thick in the air that their incense occasionally made her throat close tightly and her eyes water a little. Not that memories were so easily left behind. And so she'd packed and locked up and had moved her whole life into this ancient mansion in the Northern hills where she could continue her magical studies in peace with no more than the occasional rumor about her being started by the sparse and poorly educated locals. Occasionally, the Li family still sent a promising young student of magic to her for a few months of Clow theory, but for the most part, her days were spent with her guardians and her work. She had come to the part of her life where she valued solitude more than gold. She had much to do. *** Yue studied the diagram his master had begun to lay out on the floor. So very ... traditional. Not like her usual approach at all! "You seem troubled," said his fellow guardian Keroberus walking silently up behind him. Yue scowled once more at the diagram, then turned to point accusingly at the markings. "Look at this," he said with calm disapproval. "Where did we go wrong?" The great lion beast knelt before the offending project. He began to study it with a knowledgeable eye. "Looks like she's going to try a light spell." "That's what it looks like to you, is it?" Yue glared darkly at his companion. They hadn't always agreed on every matter before, but this was the only recent time he'd suspected him of total idiocy. "It doesn't strike you as a little odd that Sakura-sama ... That OUR master, Kinomoto Sakura ... would be spending hours and hours pouring over books on European magic and elementalism just so that she can produce two candle powers worth of illumination by means of the most basic of beginner's spells in the most traditional way possible?" Keroberus shrugged. "Maybe it's just for fun. Maybe it's another meditation. And who's to say that it's not part of some larger working. Sakura can take care of herself." "I know that," he said slowly. "But she's been able to produce simple magical light in at least four different ways since she was twelve years old. These days she doesn't even have to consciously think about it. She just smiles and entire towns begin squinting. What possible reason could she have for setting up a spell like this in the first place, let alone taking such painfully simple baby steps to do so? Have you ever known her to use *any* form of traditional magic?" Keroberus blinked. "You're really worried about this, aren't you?" "No," Yue growled. "But I don't like it. Not one bit. Is she or isn't she the only heir of Clow Reed? Of *our* creator! Why is she wasting time doing work that's considered far beneath any second year novice in every school of magic that he ever put to shame? Didn't he show that his way was far superior to theirs? Didn't he prove that magic becomes most powerful when it is not only focused, but intuitive? Why this romp through the age of superstition and anal retention? She's the most powerful magician in the world! Why regress to the middle ages? Why turn her back on everything he did? Doesn't she have faith in his work?" "She's coming," said Keroberus unnecessarily. They could both feel her magical aura approaching like a wave of heat in the air. Strong. She was so incredibly strong. More and more every year her magic flowed through them and empowered them both. To Yue, though, this only served as a reminder of the outrage at hand. "Good morning!" she chirped in her typically cheerful Sakura way. While Keroberus trotted over to have his head scratched, Yue tried hard to maintain his irritable silence. How dare she be in such an infectiously cheerful mood when she was in the middle of flaunting the very principles that had created him and that traitor Keroberus. He wouldn't smile. He wouldn't say good morning. He wouldn't be won over by the genuine love and joy that surged through their powerful magical connection. He stood silently and waited for her attention. "Good morning Yue-san," and she looked at him and smiled so openly; so winningly; and his soul hung suspended between his body and those perfectly guileless eyes. And moments passed. "Good morning master," he whispered meekly, then kept silent trying to gather his thoughts. Quite a fix he was in. Not only was it terribly difficult to judge her harshly when her presence warmed him so, it was also truly not his place to judge her at all. Not anymore. And so he stood, torn in loyalty between the master who had created him and the one who sustained him and gave him such contentment. He was so proud of everything that she'd accomplished. Keroberus looked from one of them to the other, then cleared his throat. "What is it you're working on here, Sakura-chan?" She pointed to a pile of books stacked chaotically on her desk. "You remember those books I found at the house in Hong Kong last month? They *are* the ones I've been looking for. Basic Western magic stuff. I've been trying to get a feel for their system. I made some inquiries a few years ago, but couldn't find a single practitioner who was willing to consider any kind of an exchange or even taking someone like me on as a student. That's why I started looking for books, but they're rare to begin with and jealously guarded. Luckily, Li-san had the set that Clow-san's father left him, and she said I could-" "But why?" Yue asked, some of his earlier pique returning. "You don't need those!" She blinked at him. "What ... do you mean, Yue?" He exhaled sharply. Could it be that she really had no idea why it was a bad idea to mire herself down in the limited mechanical tripe that passed for magic in the barbarian lands? Not that Chinese or Japanese traditions were any better, but hadn't she learned *anything* in the last two centuries? But her eyes were on him again, and when he spoke the tones were gentle. "Sakura-sama," he closed his eyes and searched for the proper phrase. "These books have little to do with *real* magic. Perhaps your time could be better spent elsewhere. With your abilities there is much that could be accomplished." She sighed, a slightly tired look in her eyes. "The world unfolds as it should. It doesn't need my help. It doesn't want my help. Right now my only goals are to learn as much as I can and try not to cause too much harm." "But master! You-" "Don't talk like that, Sakura-chan," Keroberus interrupted expertly. "What you need is another trip. A chance to get away from all this for a while." She wasn't so easily distracted, though. As Keroberus looked up hopefully, Sakura and Yue regarded each other. She knew, then, that his concerns were not minor ones. He relaxed internally knowing that she'd never ignore or dismiss them no matter what distractions that great winged house cat tried to throw at them. He inclined his head slightly, a silent acknowledgment that he would listen, and waited. For a moment she looked almost guilty as she glanced at the diagram on the floor, but the resolve returned to her features quickly. "I find that I am ill prepared for the tasks that I sense are coming," she admitted seriously. "I've searched Clow- san's notes and my own experience and intuition and come up short. There is much work to be done. I know that. The truth is that I'm just not powerful enough to finish it. I just don't have the skills." "How can you say that?" he protested. "How can you hope to find your answers in those poor limited moldy tomes? There is more magic in any one of Master Clow's cards than there is in that entire stack of books. More power in one Sakura card than there is in all the written magical lore of the entire European continent. What possible benefit could be gained by making yourself attend to the mundane details of a nothing spell like this?" Sakura was quiet. She looked deeply into his eyes obviously puzzled. "I'm sorry, Yue-san," she said at last. "I didn't realize you felt so strongly about this." She walked slowly towards him and took hold of his shoulder gently. "Please believe me, though, that this line of study *is* necessary. There are many important things I *haven't* learned how to do myself, and if there's even a chance that the answers might be found in all the lore that I bypassed, I can't just dismiss it all as worthless." Yue shook his head slowly. "I don't understand. What could possibly be so important that you'd turn your back on the path Clow Reed laid out?" "I'm not turning my back on Clow-san's path." Her voice remained quiet and steady, but her hurt was obvious. "I haven't forgotten all the things I learned from him, or from you two. But even Clow was not able to accomplish everything he wanted to in his lifetime." Irritation returned. Yue looked down upon his master, his mind filled with a contempt that he had rarely felt since finding her worthy. How had he failed so badly? Why did she not understand her purpose? "No one does everything they want in one life time, Sakura-sama. It is enough that one does all they can to contribute in the way they are best suited." His gaze was colder than he intended, and she, magically sensitive to him, trembled a little, but continued to meet his eyes with purpose and determination. "I know that, Yue. But where he failed, I *will* succeed. I have to." Yue blinked. Was it possible- "You're doing all of this just to be greater than he was? I never thought-" "I'm not interested in being greater than Clow-san!" she protested. "But I also don't want to repeat his mistakes! I'm not going to live forever, you know, and-" She stopped abruptly and her hand fell away from her moon guardian. Her eyes desperately searched his for some sign of understanding. All she found in them was confusion and disapproval. Flustered, she took a step backwards. The two guardians waited in silence for a few moments, then Keroberus asked the obvious question. "Are you thinking of leaving us, master?" She shook her head. "Of course not. I've still got a couple of good centuries in me, I think. But Syaoran thought he would live many years too, and ... you just never know. I won't be able to rest easily until I'm sure." Yue wrinkled his brow. "Sure of what, master?" He was beginning to worry. She was determined, it seemed, to follow this course, but at the same time she seemed so ... lost. It was very unlike his Sakura-sama. "Sure that when... I just don't know what else to do. I ... I can't ..." Feeling her way to the chair by her desk, she shook her head again visibly struggling to find words. Never had she seemed so fragile to Yue. So tired and confused. For a moment he had an impulse to go to her; to say he was sorry; to offer comfort in whatever way he possibly could, but she pulled herself together. She reasserted her powerful will. She looked up at him with an attitude of command that she seldom (oh, so seldom) used. "I'm sorry." she said quietly, "but could you leave me alone for a while?" She looked back down. Her eyes fixed vaguely on the markings on the floor and her hands met in her lap. "Of course, master," Keroberus immediately replied. He looked meaningfully at the Moon Guardian. Yue was silent for a moment, but then went out into the hall, and closed the door behind himself and Keroberus. "What was that all about?" he asked in puzzlement once they were a safe distance away, but his companion was keeping his own counsel, and as they each thought of something else they ought to be doing, the uncomfortable silence stretched on. *** _That went well,_ Sakura observed ironically. It hadn't even occurred to her that one of her guardians might object in any way to her study of any traditional magics. Clow Reed had studied them once too. Yes, he had developed his own system, but it was based heavily on other lores. Just because the practitioners of those lores had objected to his "tampering" didn't mean that Clow's work had not drawn heavily from the work of others. Millennia of it. So why was Yue so opposed to her studying even the most basic of traditional spells? Didn't he realize that she was doing it for... That was what had hurt most of all that he had questioned her motives. Even her very loyalty. When all she wanted was... When all she wanted was... When all she wanted was to protect him. At any cost she wanted to keep him safe and well. He'd nearly perished once before because he hadn't had a master whose magic was strong enough to sustain him, and she knew that someday he would no longer be able to rely on her power. And she didn't know what to do about it. Clow's magic had been rejected by the magicians of his day for many reasons. One could argue about the eternal struggle of established order against progress, the merit of centuries of testing and method, and the inability of any institution to accept new ideals without feeling threatened, but the bottom line was that Clow's system, while powerful, still had a few problems. The worst of these was, how was his moon guardian to be sustained without drawing power directly from a strong human master? Sakura knew from experience that such a master might not be easy to find after her own death, and Yue would be in danger again. Since Clow had never found a solution to this problem in his own lifetime, she had turned to the disciplines which he had drawn from to see what their secrets of sustaining master works were. So far, though, the results were not encouraging. Whether by design, or because of inability, all of their works seemed to be uniformly transitory. No spell or magical creation ever lasted after the attention of the caster was removed. She wondered once again how Clow had made the jump from their teachings to his revolutionary and wildly successful approach. She hoped that studying their basics would give her ideas for her own innovations. Clow's theories hadn't sprung from nowhere. It was unfair of Yue to expect her to be able to formulate *everything* from intuition. She'd been lucky so far, but this particular wall was one that she'd been beating her head against for far too many years. She knew that she should probably speak to him about it, but she hadn't been able to voice these concerns in the past. Especially not to him. It wasn't something she felt she should alarm him with until it became absolutely necessary. Besides, it would bring up old pain. Old pain for both of them. She knew that she would someday die and she wasn't afraid, but she couldn't bear to think of Yue suffering like that again. Not if there was anything she could do to help him. Watching him grow slowly weaker once had nearly torn her apart. But would she find the answer in time? She sighed. And she'd been so sure that it was going to be a *good* day. *** Keroberus was the first to approach his master again, their relationship being more openly supportive than the one she shared with Yue. He scratched quietly at her door frame until she asked him to come in. The last hour had been an uncomfortable one for him, and he suspected it had been the same for Yue. Long ago the pattern had been laid out by Clow. A guardian was responsible for his master. To fulfill his duties, he needed to be closely connected to that master with bonds both magical and emotional. This served as a warning system which made it very obvious to the guardians when the master they loved was alarmed, hurt, or unconscious. It had been a very practical system back in the days when her abilities had been challenged regularly by other magicians or by strange spiritual forces of various natures. For the last century or so, however, the main effect of this bond had been that as her power had grown stronger and stronger, Keroberus and Yue had become more and more aware of her every sensibility. She seemed mostly unaware of this fact, and neither guardian was anxious to reveal it to her, but there were rare days when depression hung in the air like a stifling mist. When Sakura was unhappy, they were all unhappy. Sakura was unhappy. As he often did when he knew that she was weary or distressed, he came close and pushed his great head into her lap, closed his eyes, and began to purr loudly. He sensed her smile and the lightening of her mood. It was unlike her to brood for long. Something was troubling her deeply, though, and after her outburst this morning, he suspected that he knew what it was. "No one lives forever, Sakura-chan." She stroked his ear gently. "I know that. I feel it creeping up on me sometimes. Sometimes it feels like a friend. An end to all this loss and loneliness. A chance to be with Tomoyo-chan and my family again. She sighed and laid her hand on the crown of his head. "And other times, it feels like a harsh taskmaster that will see the work of my incredibly long lifetime and say 'That's nice, dear, but it's not enough, is it? I'm afraid you've run out of time, and so has ...'" Her eyes closed and the hand on his head grew heavy. As her silence stretched on, he became more certain than ever that he knew the cause of her concern. Nearly two hundred years ago he had seen her helpless before the approaching fading away as final as death disappearance of someone very dear to her. She had agonized for weeks over what to do to help him, but at ten years old, she was still years away from her full magical strength and in the end, a temporary solution had been found elsewhere, but at great cost to all concerned. He felt a pang of sympathy as he realized how many times she must have relived that pain to have reached this current state of desperation and depression. _Oh, Sakura,_ he thought gently. _Don't take every hurt on your own shoulders,_ but in the end all he could say was "I'm sure the answer will come to you. Give it time." She looked at him then with eyes that reflected a weariness beyond anything he'd ever have believed *his* Sakura capable of feeling. "I hope so, Kero-chan. I hope you're right, because I can't bear to fail this time. I can't stand to think about what might happen this time." *** Yue sulked lost in a squall of emotion that ebbed and flowed and battered at his soul. Sometimes his master's innocent nature was endearing, but other times it was just so ... childish. He'd never been afraid to disagree with his *first* master! Never had to worry about the great Clow Reed bursting into tears at the first sign of disapproval from one of his supposed advisors. It was bad enough that she was studying *their* magic. Did she have to be so very sensitive about it too? What could possibly be so important in those blasted old volumes anyway? Important enough to warrant her hysterics? And worst of all, why had he let her reactions affect him so? Reduced to feeling guilty for expressing an opinion by the unhappiness in her big bright eyes! And she *had* been unhappy. And he *did* feel guilty about it. He felt shame whenever he hurt Sakura, because Sakura had a pure and beautiful soul. One that had been strong enough to keep her character consistently innocent even after centuries of a life filled with challenges and loss. So much like his beloved first master. He sighed. Perhaps he ought to speak to her; try to keep his feelings about her current path separate for now while he made sure that she was alright and aware of his continued support. And that she wasn't unhappy. He'd rather die than make her unhappy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- End Chapter One Please send any comments you have about this story to: Michelle Thatcher misha@cybergal.com Thankyou for reading.