Ad Finem('til the end) by Michelle Thatcher ------------------------------------------------------------------- All characters used in this story are the exclusive property of CLAMP. My rights to any characters in it are laughable. This story contains SPOILERS and Shonen ai and sap. This story is archived at http://www.akane.org/michelle ------------------------------------------------------------------- =============== Chapter Three =============== "What is it you want, beloved?" Yue asked his memories, and the reservoir of familiar power that rested within him. No answer came, this time. Nothing but the usual sense of peace. Of being watched over and soothed. Was that of itself a sign? If so, what did it mean, exactly? All in all, it was a frustrating relationship to be in. Touya had never been this cryptic when he was alive. Obviously it had been important for Sakura-sama to hear the message, and obviously it was not important that *he* understand it. It hurt, though, to be left out like this; to be the channel between the two siblings, but not to understand the thoughts of his beloved. It ached. And for the first time in two-hundred years, Yue closed his mind to the flow of peace and comfort coming from the part of him that had once been part of Kinomoto Touya, and let his mood blacken a little further. Keroberus caught the brunt of it when he came seeking his companion moments later. "Did she send you?" Yue asked tersely. "Are you here to check up on me?" "No, and yes." he admitted, his ears twitching a little in annoyance. "I'd hoped that you'd be feeling better." "I'm fine," Yue insisted. "Sakura-sama is fine. Great spiritual forces are gathering together for her aid and support in some wonderfully impossible cause. Birds and flowers everywhere are chirping and blooming and cavorting. Everything is *just* wonderful." Keroberus blinked. "Isn't that what's important?" Yue averted his gaze. "Yes," he admitted. "Our master is happy, her confidence has returned, therefore all is peace and happiness among us once more." "Obviously." "I just never know," continued the Moon Guardian, "what she even needs me for at all. To help her grow through opposition? To make sure her suits are pressed? To give her messages from the other side?" "What?" Yue looked again at the great lion beast. It really wasn't something that he wanted to discuss at the moment. "What can I do for her?" he asked. "She doesn't need me. *You're* her trusted advisor; her friend; the one she talks to and cries to. I'm the one who argues with her and tells her she's not good enough. She hasn't needed our protection for so long. She doesn't consult us on her magical workings. Perhaps it would be better for all of us if I weren't here." Slightly alarmed, Keroberus protested. "Don't speak nonsense. Where would you go? You made an oath to Sakura. It would crush her if you left." Yue nodded. "I know. She'd cry." That thought alone was enough to squash any half formed rebellious thoughts he might have entertained. "Yes she would." He made a helpless gesture with his hands. "And my whole life will be spent in her service," he whispered. "Even after she is gone. But I still feel like any efforts I make only hurt her and get in her way. Her work is important. I should never have doubted that. I just wish that my role in it were a little more defined. Sakura-sama rarely sees fit to instruct either of us in any way, and so I spend my life either tiptoing around her feelings, or sending her into fits of tears for questioning her reasons. I know she doesn't want to be anything other than a friend, but when I try to speak for myself..." When he tried to speak for himself, he was critical, and if he was honest with himself, sometimes cruel. What he had said to her this morning about wanting to be greater than Clow Reed, for example ... Perhaps that was why To-ya had ... But he'd gone to find her so that he could try to make things right. Wasn't he to be trusted to say the right thing when he'd specifically gone to make peace? Didn't he have at least that much sensitivity in him? He'd had it once. Hadn't he? But that had been in another lifetime. "So what am I to do? Am I to hover around the edges of her life when what I want more than anything is to ..." Is to what? A flash of memory. Of holding her in his arms for those moments before the message he'd delivered. An impression of warmth. A sense that this was the only way to deal with this perfect and beautiful person that so ached for comfort and affection from anyone. The truth was that it had felt very nice. He was beginning to wonder whether in that moment, seeing her vulnerable; confused; alone, he had taken her into that embrace of his own free will, or if he had been taken by whatever compulsion had then caused him to say those things to her. Touya's compulsion. But then, had he ever known Touya to embrace his younger sister? To embrace anyone, for that matter? Only himself. Yue. Yuki. And only in moments of absolute privacy. No. He had embraced Sakura-sama on his own. And it *had* felt good. Comforting her was still so improtant to him. But he had always done so in a more ... decorous way until today. It had been a long time since the gentle and caring part of himself had been dominant. But it was easier in the other form. The form he hadn't worn since ... In the end, he'd only ever taken that form for To-ya. And with the form went the persona. And after To-ya was gone... The reminder was a painful one. He knew that the emotions lived within him. It had been ages since he'd been able to feel like the extra older brother he'd been as her 'Yukito-san,' but today ... Perhaps even as Yue, he could ... It wouldn't be easy, but if it helped Sakura-sama ... He supposed it could only help if he were a little warmer towards her. More personable. If he joined in with the great cultural diffusion movement towards showing affection in more physical and vocal ways, perhaps she would continue to respond well, but the thought scared him a little. Emotion was a funny thing. He'd observed humanity for centuries and had been mesmerized by their seeming irrationality time after time before his first master's death. It was only then; only as the unaware quasi-self Yukito that he had gained any firsthand experience with the raw power of emotions. He supposed he'd always had them, but never to a human degree. Never to a point where one emotion fueled another in an upward spiral that overwhelmed the senses, the mind, or the body. As Yukito, however, he'd learned. He'd observed that his mild and kindly other self when faced with a friend in torment would often behave in a startlingly irrational way. At the time it had seemed ... had *felt* like the only *correct* course of action. Indeed, it was impossible to assert the control of logic when emotion was strong. Most frightening of all, however, was the way that one emotion always led unpredictably to some even stronger one. You never knew whether the emotion of being hurt would lead you to feel sorrow or if it would become anger; if love would become passion, or hatred. Of all beings in the world, Yue had the least faith in his own ability to cope with any emotions he might cultivate. Oh, he'd been so smug and self assured once. He'd believed that it was his superior control and intellect that would keep him separate from those humans who went through their lives confused and wanting. Even as he'd watched Yukito's life, he'd believed that when he became his real self again, he'd quickly eliminate the irrationality that was a part of his disguise. Once the girl's trial was over, he wouldn't need to hide anymore. Through discipline, his mind would be purged of all that foolishness. And then there had been Touya. Like a force of nature, that boy. Suddenly Yue had found the unfamiliar sensations of admiration, affection, and finally desire growing little by little not in the Yukito mind, but in his own core. In Yue. That was what had changed his entire life. That was what was shaking his confidence now. Could compassion and brotherly affection be maintained at a reasonable level if he were trying to be more demonstrative? Or would it be like the last time? Like opening the floodgates to an unpredictable and ever-changing sea that could start with supportiveness and progress through depression, envy, torment, or worse? You just never knew where something like this could lead you. It might even lead to... Perhaps he should re-think this. After all, there had been no magical crisis for nearly a hundred years, but that didn't mean that one would never come. Perhaps he shouldn't start down a path that could so easily make him mentally incapable of rationally dealing with any situations that might arise. Detachment would, perhaps, be best. It had served him so well in the past. And she was so much like her brother... She was coming. "Kero-chan!" Sakura called joyfully as she skipped into the room. "I wanted to-" Her eyes met Yue's suddenly, and she stopped mid sentence and mid stride. She was clearly startled, but not, Yue was grateful to note, unhappy to find him with her Sun Guardian. She walked to him and looked up with concern. "How are you, Yue?" she asked gently. Yue smiled a little. She wasn't nervous or morbidly curious. Just mildly concerned. For a moment he almost let himself touch her. Almost. But that was her power over him, and the very reason he needed to be cautious in how he let himself respond to her. "I'm fine, Sakura-sama," he said as firmly as he was able. "Please don't concern yourself." A minor shadow crossed her face, and Yue suspected that it was because of his use of the subservient honorific. Perhaps she'd hoped that he'd call her Sakura again. Perhaps she'd also feared that he'd only addressed her in such a casual way as a precursor to the message he'd delivered. He hated to see that disappointment in her eyes, but was unprepared to start down the path of greater familiarity with her. Let her believe whatever she liked. He could only try his best to shield her from greater regrets. But it almost hurt to watch her struggle to smile before making her reply. "I'm glad," she said. "I know that it's hard sometimes." And she did know. She'd lived with loss since her mother's death, and so her empathy was real and deep. It warmed him to know how much she understood his heart. If only ... What? _If only she weren't my master?_ She'd never have let that stand between them. Even now her expression, posture, and intonation all spoke of discourse with one who was in every way considered an equal. A respected and beloved friend. _If only she weren't To-ya's sister?_ But To-ya had known, hadn't he, how much his imouto had adored Yukito. To-ya had made it clear before he had left that he expected Sakura and Yue to look after one another, to support and protect one another. Hadn't he said that he hoped Yue would be the one to comfort her through the trials he'd seemed to sense were coming? What else had To-ya sensed was coming? And why hadn't he warned Yue? Given him some sign that what he now contemplated with a mixture of agonized desire and puritanical horror was either not a good idea, or what he'd been planning for both of them all along? 'Because you wouldn't have liked the answer,' whispered that part of him clear and strong through the barriers he'd thrown up around it. 'Because it means nothing if you don't figure it out on your own.' "Yue?" And it was so. There was much he needed to consider, but even a notarized statement from the afterlife would not have been enough to set him firmly on *that* path. Was he ready to leave himself so vulnerable again? "Yue? What's wrong?" He had never *really* lost To-ya. Not a day had passed since highschool and the infirmary that he hadn't had an intimate knowledge of his beloved's presence and feelings. His dormant power tied his spirit to Yue even now. It had been such a comfort to feel that presence and guidance. But despite all that, losing him to death, however marginal that death had been had nearly destroyed Yue. Loss was stacked on top of years of guilt and frustration and futility. If it happened again ... Just that morning she had told them that she knew she couldn't live forever. "Yue, please come sit down." Yue, on the other hand, was very likely to live forever... "Are you sure you're feeling alright?" Losing another master was going to be hard on him, but could he go on if he lost another true - "Yue!" The panic in his master's voice brought him back to himself. She was holding on to his arm tightly trying to regain his attention. He placed his hand gently over hers and did his best to gaze down upon her calmly. "I'm sorry, master," he said evenly. "Was there something else?" Sakura blinked. "N - no. You just seemed-" "Then perhaps you'd excuse me?" He gently pulled her hand away from his sleeve and backed away. This time as she looked up at him, he froze. Pushing her away like this had been a tactic. A play for time to contemplate this latest dilemma. But she seemed so ... lost. Sad and worried. He couldn't ... How could he leave things like this? But how could he leave them any other way? Why couldn't he think straight? Why was he so agitated and distractable? He glanced for a moment at Keroberus who could only gape at him in wide eyed shock. That was no help. He looked back at Sakura. He had to do something about the pain in those eyes. "Forgive me," he said, doing his best to look contrite and avoiding the act of addressing her at all lest the casual/formal issue rear it's ugly head once more. "Please, I'm still a little ..." Internally disgusted with himself, he had to fight hard not to take her by the shoulders again and reassure her the way Yukito would have when she was eleven. This was not helping any. _What now, oh wise spirit of Kinomoto Touya?_ Yue asked ironically. _You seem to have all the answers today._ And something seized him. A great weakness. He lost altitude until his feet touched the ground. He tried to stand, but his legs wouldn't hold him. He buckled at the knees and slumped heavily to the floor. "Yue!" Sakura took hold of him once more, this time strongly and by both arms. She eased him down into a lying position and crouched over him gently probing his life force with her magic. He looked at her apologetically, but suddenly realized two things. The first was that any moment now he was going to lose consciousness. The second was that he was rapidly losing power. Something that hadn't happened to him since... And that meant that before he blanked out, he was most likely going to shift back to his more power efficient form of - "Yukito-san?" Sakura yelled in shock as Yue felt himself change. It was the last thing he was aware of before the blackness claimed him. ------------------------------------------------------------------- End Chapter Three Please send any comments you have about this story to: Michelle Thatcher misha@cybergal.com Thankyou for reading.