Ad Finem('til the end)
by Michelle Thatcher

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All characters used in this story are the exclusive property of
CLAMP. My rights to any characters in it are laughable.  This story
contains SPOILERS and Shonen ai and sap.  In fact, things are about
to get really REALLY mushy.

This story is archived at http://www.akane.org/michelle

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==============
 Chapter Five
==============


     "Sakura-chan?" Keroberus asked quietly when they were alone
later in the morning.  "Do you know yet what's going on?"

     She looked up from the book she was reading and regarded him
for a moment.  "Not really," she admitted.  "But I think it's
part of what I've been trying to do for him."

     "Then you've already started the actual process?" he asked,
a little hurt that he hadn't been consulted or asked for
assistance.  

     Sakura looked at him in surprise.  "No, of course not!  I
still have *so* much research to do, and I'm not even sure that I
have all the materials I'd need, and ..."  She trailed off and
regarded the cover of the book in her hands with care.  

     "Keroberus, I did not do this to Yue.  At least not
consciously.  Not intentionally.  But you know how these things
work.  Once I begin focusing my attention in a direction, a lot
of really weird things start happening.  At first it seems like a
lot of strange problems and I go and try to fix them but then I
find out that there is a lot more going on than I thought.  Other
magicians using me for plans they didn't tell me about, the
spirits of the dead, hostile or benevolent changing the flow of
power around me, or you, or some important location.  You know. 
Weird stuff like that.  And in the end we find out that we've
managed to somehow learn the solution to whatever problem we've
been having while we were dealing with all the other stuff, that
we find out later was just Eriol-kun or Okaa-san, or someone like
that trying to help us find the answer."  She made a quick gasp
for air.  "I think - I'm pretty sure that something like that is
going on.  I think this is part of the answer.  I'm pretty sure
that everything is going to be alright."

     "Sakura-chan, that's ..."

     She fidgeted a little.  "I know, but I really think we'll
understand all of this, just not right now."

     "But when?  Do you know who's behind this?"

     She did.  It was clear from the look on her face.  "Who is
it, Sakura?"

     She was reluctant to say.  He could feel her uncertainty,
but she seemed to be coming around. "Promise you won't tell
Yukito-san?" she asked.

     He nodded.

     "Or Yue?" just to cover all her bases.

     He nodded again.

     She leaned a little closer.  "I think ... I'm pretty sure
that it's ..."  She looked around as if to make sure she wouldn't
be overheard.  "Onii-chan."

     "WHAT?"

     "Shhh.  Quiet!"

     "YOUR BROTHER!?"

     "Kero-chan!  Mou!"

     "But - !"

     "*Please*, Kero-chan!"

     He grunted, but bowed his head.  "So you think that he's
behind this?"

     "I think so.  He's been behaving rather strangely lately."

     "Yue?"

     "Onii-chan."

     Keroberus blinked.  "What do you ... Never mind.  So, what
are we going to do about it?"

     "I'm not really going to do anything," she admitted after a
moment's consideration.  "His life force and magical field are as
strong as ever, and he's not in any immediate danger.  There's no
real reason for us to interfere.  If Onii-chan wants him to stay
in his Yukito-san form for a while, I don't see why he
shouldn't."

     "But Sakura!  What if something happens?  What if you need
protecting!?  What if-?"

     "Don't worry about that," she reassured him.  "It's been a
long time since anything out of the ordinary has happened.  You
and I can probably keep things going here."

     "But if-"  

     "And if we do need Yue, I'm sure he'll come back.  When has
Onii-chan ever let me be in danger?"

     Keroberus looked up at her, but finally nodded.  Perhaps she
was right. "Sakura?"

     "Yes?"

     "Please tell me if ... You'll let me know if you need
anything?  Won't you?"

     She smiled. "Of course I will, Kero-chan!  Thank you!"

     Then she stood and left the room humming softly to herself. 
There were details to attend to, and that gave meaning to life.

     He watched her go and considered the information she had
given him.  He'd never understood Kinomoto Touya, but Yue had
loved him, and that, aside from being very very strange, spoke
volumes for the man.

     And Sakura trusted him.

     For now, that would have to be good enough.  Good enough for
all of them.


***


     Sakura had missed Yukito-san.  In many ways, he and Yue were
the same person.  She was drawn to both of them by the same great
spiritual force.  Yukito, however, was of a kinder turn of
phrase.  He was friendly and usually cheerful in a way that Yue
was not.  

     Yue was a friend.  A very important and beloved friend.

     But Yukito was a big brother.

     And in over two-hundred years, she had never outgrown the
need for a big brother.  It had hurt to lose him.  Especially so
soon after ...

     It was strange to have him suddenly back in her life.  A bit
awkward, but incredibly welcome.

     The worst part was no longer worry about some terrible
magical malady, but the uncharacteristic distant look in his eyes
sometimes.  She wondered if, given the choice he would have
stayed buried in Yue's subconscious forever.

     Not that she wouldn't have understood.

     It was with reverence and joy that Sakura looked back on her
own brief time with the love of her life.  When Li Syaoran had
died, she'd thought for a long time that the sorrow would break
her.  Day after day she'd had little energy for anything, and
she'd bourne up in the end only because she'd been surrounded by
friends.  Tomoyo, Yukito-san, Dad and Onii-chan had all done what
they could to show their love and support.  Her father in
particular had seemed to know just what to do to help her feel
human again.

     In time, she'd learned to master her grief.  The pain merely
added relish to all of the wonderful memories of Syaoran that she
treasured in her heart.  When the memories had begun to give her
more joy than pain she'd known .  The secret of life.  The
sweetness of love remembered.

     She still woke some mornings expecting his arms to be around
her, but while in the beginning this had often brought tears to
her eyes, now it made her smile.

     The memory of love had the power to comfort her almost as
completely as the reality of love once had.  She indulged herself
now by thinking of him often.  The hostile boy-child who'd helped
her so much in the darkest hours of her pre-trial days; the
trusted friend who'd warned her and supported her as she'd
struggled to remake the cards; the shy suitor making that halting
and infinitely dear confession of childhood love; the strong and
quiet teenager who'd come back to find her after somehow becoming
so much taller than she.

     The beautiful man with the gentle hands who had always
kissed her with that dizzying blend of uncertainty and driving
need.

     The years of their marriage had been the happiest of her
life.  She'd always be grateful to him for those years.  She was
much too old now to let a trivial thing like bereavement keep her
from appreciating him as he deserved.

     And so, to the alter of memory, Sakura had given up her
tears, and now thought of Syaoran only with joy and laughter.  He
would have wanted it that way.

     He'd always hated to see her cry.

     "Yukito-san?" she asked softly during a pause in her
freind's questioning about the last century.  One in which he
seemed distracted by some surge of melancholia.  "If ... if I'd
tried harder ... if I'd ... I felt so guilty back then.  I felt
like it was all my fault that he ... I didn't ... I didn't feel
like I had the *right* to talk to you or try to comfort you that
night.  In some ways, I guess I was afraid you'd ... I know it's
silly, but I did blame myself, so I felt that you probably blamed
me too."

     "Sakura-chan!  I could never -!"

     "Oh!  I know you'd never -!  But ... Yukito-san, I ... He
died because of me.  There's no other way of seeing it.  I knew
you hurt.  I wanted so much to stay with you and..." He held out
his hand to her and she took it slowly.  Yukito's hand.  So warm
and soft and ... human.  She blinked to try to make the tears go
away.  "I guess what I want to know is, if I'd been stronger; if
I'd stayed and hugged you and cried with you until we were both
ready to talk about it; if I had been there to comfort you the
way you've always comforted me; the way you deserved, would it
have made a difference?  Would you ... would you have stayed?"

     She had seen the shadow of pain in his eyes many times in
the hours since their forced reunion.  She knew that his grieving
process was far from over.  But for the first time that day, he
now let down the barriers.  The pain in his eyes surged and raged
and burned.  She saw him tremble.  His hand shook rapidly against
her own, but he didn't look away.  He whispered a hoarse "I ..."
then tried again.  "I don't know, Sakura-chan.  It ... hurt."

     She squeezed his hand a little more tightly.  "I know," she
said.  "I didn't mean to-" 

     "I'm so sorry.  I was weak.  I know you must have ..."

     She shook her head and wiped a stray tear away with her free
hand.  "Please, Yukito-san!  I can't say that I know exactly how
you felt, but I know why you withdrew.  Don't you think that if I
had a way, I'd leave the pain and the loneliness behind too?  I'd
have done the same thing in your position.  I just ..." she
smiled a little, not wanting to cause him more hurt.  "I just
missed you.  That's all."

     He tried to return her smile.  The effort was enough to set
her heart at ease, but she ached for him.  She hoped that she'd
be able to find some way to help him cope with the pain he'd
obviously left unfelt for much too long.

     It was then that she began to suspect the reason for his
return.

     She rose and walked to stand behind him, then wrapped both
arms firmly around his shoulders.  She held on as the tears
started running down his beautiful calm face.  "It's alright,
Yukito-san.  It's alright.  You can't hide forever.  Sooner or
later you have to face it."

     This time, she held him as he cried.


***


     Tsukishiro Yukito had always been a gentle and kind person. 
In the days before he'd regained his memories of his life as the
Moon Guardian Yue, he had always done all that he could to help
and protect those he loved and to be polite to everyone no matter
what.  His emotions in those days didn't go very far beyond the
love, compassion, and generosity that he was known so well for.  

     When Yue awoke, elements of chaos had begun to make
themselves felt in the midst of his idyllic life.  Confusion. 
Worry.  And eventually jealousy.  It had been a gradual and
painful process which began one day when he blacked out and woke
up somewhere else.  That event repeated itself many times in the
weeks that followed.  This would have been cause for great
concern by itself, but it was accompanied by another mystery that
was just as troubling.  He had begun to feel weaker.  Tired and
sick.

     To-ya had noticed; had understood.  To-ya had been there for
him to talk to and cry to.  To-ya had made him believe that
everything would be alright.  He had even been quick to reassure
him when that ... creature Nakuru had tried so hard to come
between them.  It had hurt so much to know that such an
attractive and powerful classmate seemed to know so much about
To-ya; seemed to be able to keep his attention so easily.  In the
end, however, it had been Nakuru who had pushed the moment to its
crisis and given To-ya the final motivation he needed to do what
Yukito had instinctively known he would do all along.  

     To make everything alright.

     To-ya had given him the key to understanding what had been
happening.  He had been the one to help him remember his other
self.  His other life.

     And To-ya had saved him.

     It was useless to feel regret.  His friend had done what
he'd had to do so that they wouldn't be separated.  That one act
of selflessness had bound the two together emotionally and
spiritually.  Suddenly the need to say the words he'd become so
frustrated with had been gone forever.  All his doubts had fled. 
Suddenly he had the power to look deeply into To-ya's soul.  He
had known from that moment on that his love *was* returned; had
*always* been returned.  That he had made his choice not to help
his friend, but to save his beloved.

     Neither of them had needed words ever again.

     Was it so strange, then, that Yukito's pain ran so deep and
so wide?  Was it a mystery that when his whole life had ground to
a screeching halt, he had allowed it to do so without even
putting up a fight?

     Life, however, has a way of making its demands even on the
grief stricken.  Just as you can't cheat death, you can't cheat
life.

     And so, here he was.  Back among the living, as it were. 
Back from his self imposed exile.

     He felt vaguely ashamed of himself for many reasons.  Most
of all, though, he regretted his emotional abandonment of Sakura. 
He knew -- had always known -- how important he was in her life. 
He didn't even try to convince himself that Yue had filled the
space he had always occupied in her heart.  

     He remembered the night that Sakura had lost her husband. 
Remembered the haunted look in her eyes and the way she had
looked up when he came into the hospital room.  How she had stood
when he arrived, curled up on his lap and stayed there.  It had
seemed so natural holding her like that.  Letting her keep her
face pressed so tightly into his chest.  Even after To-ya and
Fujitaka-san had arrived, she had clung to Yukito.  Her father
and brother had seemed to understand.  Hadn't seemed to mind. 
And he himself had just been grateful to be able to do
*something* for her; to have an active role in helping her to
survive the pain and the shock.

     It had been so sudden.

     But it had helped him to realize that his place in Sakura-
chan's life was a unique one.  She loved her family and her other
friends, but it was Yukito to whom she had always turned for
empathy and compassion.

     His sensitive nature had been at once the thing that drew
her to him and the thing that had made it too hard for him to
cope with his own pain.

     Now, however, it seemed that he had been given an
opportunity to make it up to her.  He had to look at it that way. 
He could see that she had dealt with the losses of her lifetime
as any mature and solitary woman would have done, but the
compounded losses had left her subdued; sometimes melancholy;
lonely. 

     'To-ya,' he prayed.   'She's grown into a strong and
beautiful woman just like you knew she would.  I'm sorry I let
her become so lonely.  I'm sorry if I let you down.  I was weak
and selfish.  But please, To-ya.  Help me now.  I want so much to
comfort her and love her, I'm just not sure I have the will to. 
No matter how much warning you gave me, I wasn't ready when you
left me.  I wasn't prepared.  It left me so empty inside.  So
very wounded and confused.  I don't know if I can get over you,
To-ya.  I don't know if I can ever be whole again.  And how can I
help Sakura like this?  How can I do anything but make her worry
more?'

     Images flowed gently into his mind.  Sakura smiling.  Sakura
handing him valentines chocolate when she was a child.  Sakura
making her first timid love confession, then smiling even in her
obvious sorrow at his rejection, Sakura beautiful and so happy
that she glowed on the day of her wedding.

     Strength.  Sakura was cheerful and loving, but most of all,
Sakura was strong.  Li Syaoran; Yue; Hiiragizawa Eriol, all of
them had hurt her; troubled her; tried to defeat her, but each of
them she had overcome and then gently and fully taken into her
life and her heart.  

     The truth was that Sakura didn't need him.  Not really.

     But he needed her.  If anyone could teach him how to live
after great loss, it was Sakura.  If anyone could understand how
hard it was to come to grips with duty when all you wanted to do
was join those you loved who were on the other side, she could.

     And fate had pushed the two of them together.

     Fate, or perhaps To-ya, now that he thought about it.  Who
was to say which of them needed the other more.  If there was a
lesson, he'd do his best to learn it.  If there was a duty, he'd
try not to fail.  

     And when Yue did return, he wouldn't let it be forever.  He
wouldn't lose himself again.  He'd find a way to stay with her,
because she deserved that much from him.  And it was all he could
offer.


***


     It wasn't Sakura's habit to dose off in the middle of the
day.  That was one of the reasons she knew that her dream was
more than a dream. 

     "So, why haven't you figured it out yet?" asked Onii-chan.

     "Hoeee?"

     He leaned back against the kitchen counter in their old
house in Tokyo and looked at her in mock sternness.

     And in her dream she felt the familiar childish irritation
he had always delighted in causing in her.  She seethed quietly
for a moment, then reminded herself that she wasn't a child
anymore.  It was hard to do since her dream self came up to her
brother's belt buckle. 

     This would not do.  She focused.  The days when she could be
pushed around by dreams *or* brothers lay in the distant past. 
Magic was an intuitive act of will, and when her will had been
extended, she stood as an adult before her adult brother.

     "What have I been doing wrong?" she asked calmly.  "What
should I do?"

     He smiled a little, proud of her for seeing through his
challenge.  "You just keep loving him," he said.  "There's time
for solving of great mysteries later."  He folded his arms and
looked down on her in his typical bored way.

     "There isn't time.  I'm-"

     "Tired?"

     And suddenly she felt selfish and silly.  If she wasn't
careful, she'd be four foot tall again.  She frowned.  "Can't
you-"

     "Nope."

     "Onii-chan-"

     "Why are you asking *me* all these questions?  You never
asked for my advice when I was alive!  I had a few things to say
too!  Since when is it my job to make your life easier?"

     She looked down trying to decide how to feel about that
particular argument.  She'd often suspected that things would
have been different if she'd confided in her older brother from
the beginning, but if she knew one thing it was that the past
can't be rewritten.

     The knowledge sometimes ate her up inside.

     He touched her face; made her meet his eyes.  "Listen,
squirt," he said in a tone that for him passed for concern. 
"It's not going to be easy.  There's a lot of stuff you've still
got to finish and it won't get done overnight.  You need to be
prepared for that, so don't start looking at burial plots yet."

     The look she gave him was truly pathetic, weary and
pleading, and in her dream, he seemed to understand.  He seemed
to feel pain for her.  "I'm tired too," he said.  "But we both
have to see this through.  I promise it won't all be suffering
and loss.  Life still has a nice surprise or two for the Kaijuu-
chan."

     "Kaijuu ja nai," she whispered near tears of frustration.

     He looked toward heaven.  "This was supposed to help."

     "Onii-chan?"

     "Yeah?"

     "Will you always be with him?  If you stay, then the problem
is solved.  But you're not going to, are you?"

     He shook his head sadly.  "I can't.  I've already stayed
longer than I should have.  Every day it gets a little harder to
resist the pull of destiny.  I'm meant to be elsewhere."

     "Reborn?"

     "I think so.  It's hard to say."

     "So..."

     "Don't get me wrong.  You think you could do this without
me?  I'll see this through with you.  But after that ..."

     When he had died it had hurt.  But now?  "He's going to
cry," she whispered.

     Touya looked down.  "I'm sure he will.  Sakura, I ... I'm
counting on you to help him.  He's going to need you."

     She nodded, unable to speak even in this dream world until
... "Onii-chan?"

     "Yes?"

     "When the time comes, promise me you'll ... say goodbye.  To
him, I mean.  I know you can.  I think that would make it
easier."

     "I will," he promised.  "He's stronger than he knows, but
he'll need you there."

     "Is that why you ... ?"

     He nodded. "Partly.  Yukito was sleeping.  Yue doesn't think
of Yuki as real.  He thinks of him as a disguise that's no longer
practical.  A false self.  But that's not really the case.  Clow
Reed made him with two sides for a reason.  One side has to
balance the other.  He can't be happy if he's always Yue.  You've
seen how moody he's been lately.  When both sides are strong,
then he'll be able to heal.  Until he heals, he won't have the
will he'd need to make this all come together.  He probably
wouldn't even care enough to try."

     "I can't make it better, Onii-chan.  I can't even get over
my *own* past let alone make anyone else's go away."

     "So who's asking you to?" he drawled.  "He's a grownup. 
Either he'll get over it or he won't.  You-" he touched her nose
gently, "just need to be there for him.  Talk to him.  Smile at
him.  Work that special Sakura magic that has nothing to do with
star power or moon power or whatever power.  Remind him that he
doesn't have to be alone.  Can you do that?"

     Sakura blushed. Unconsciously, she'd begun to suspect her
brother's true motivations but she wasn't sure how she felt about
them.  In her dream, though, she burned with embarrassment.  With
desire and intimidation.  How could Yue ever ...  "Onii-chan, I-"
But if he could ... "I suppose-" He was so achingly beautiful. 
So sensitive and strong.  When she was with him, she felt so ... 
"I'll do my best, onii-chan."

     He smiled in a superior and self assured way.  "You'll do
fine."

     Then his expression softened and he looked at her with
serious and concerned eyes.  "You mustn't be discouraged." he
said, then took her into his arms and held her as he had rarely
done in life.  "Loss is a natural part of life.  You've grown so
strong through all of this.  I hope you know how proud I am of
you.  How proud everyone is of you.  You're doing a fine job." 
He pulled away and looked deeply into her eyes.  She did her best
to look brave.  There was just so much to do.  "Poor kaijuu-
chan," he said.  "Don't worry.  You won't be alone forever."

     And she felt herself waking up. "I miss you," she said
quietly and was rewarded by another rare smile from her older
brother as the dream faded away into the walls of her study.  She
picked her head up from her desk and blinked.  Another dream. 
Another strange and fragmented prophecy.  This time, however, it
remained clear in her memory as she went to look for her friends.


***


     Keroberus noticed the change in his master.  She seemed
significantly calmer, for one thing.  Her worry had been
transmuted into something a bit more resigned.  Softer.  More
determined.  Another change seemed to be the way she had begun to
treat the snow bunny.  She had stopped hovering about him like
some mother duck and now seemed content to talk to him quietly,
give him all the space she could, and to watch him (mostly
unobserved) with eyes that were more than just kind.  Soft, warm,
and with some sort of vague expectation.

     Sakura was waiting for something.  It was obvious that she
was expecting to see some sort of change in him at any moment. 
When she did, it seemed clear that she would know what to do
next.  But was it his imagination, or was there more to it than
just her eagerness to help her friend?  Something more sparkled
in her eyes and made its way gently down through the emotional
link that was part of his connection to her.  Something he hadn't
sensed in her since ...

     Was he wrong to worry?  She'd had her heart broken once
before.  As young as she'd been at the time, her feelings had not
been the least bit childish.  It had been unkind of the snow
bunny to dismiss them as such.  She had been so brave back then,
but no on had truly known the extent of her pain.  No one had
even suspected the agony she had gone through even as she
struggled so hard to reassure them both that she was very happy
for them.

     No one but Keroberus.

     And perhaps Yue, though he had never said anything about it. 
Never hinted that he had any clue how much his happiness cost his
master.

     Keroberus had done what he could.  He'd comforted her in the
only way he knew how.

     Slowly, she had healed.

     While it hadn't been easy back then, he felt reluctant to
speak to her about it.  After all, more than anyone else, she had
to be aware what the consequences might be.  But as she watched
and waited it was obvious.  Completely and perfectly so.

     Sakura was letting herself fall in love with Yukito all over
again.


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End Chapter Five

Please send any comments you have about this story to:
Michelle Thatcher  misha@cybergal.com

Thankyou for reading.