Ad Finem('til the end) by Michelle Thatcher ------------------------------------------------------------------- All characters used in this story are the exclusive property of CLAMP. My rights to any characters in it are laughable. This story contains SPOILERS and Shonen ai and sap. In fact, things are about to get really REALLY mushy. This story is archived at http://www.akane.org/michelle ------------------------------------------------------------------- ============= Chapter Six ============= Onii-chan had said to love him. It was hard to see him struggling so desperately. To know yourself to be helpless in the face of a friend's pain. She did her best to offer support whenever she could, but knew that it was his battle. It was a process that she was intimately familiar with. One day over tea, he'd asked her advice with tortured eyes. "How do you do it?" he'd whispered. "How do you find the strength when even wanting to go on living feels like a betrayal of the one you love?" "You feel it." she'd replied. "You take hold of your emotions and you taste each one as fully as you can. Then you cry and you scream and you shake until you're too tired to move and you fall asleep. When you wake up, you feel numb, so you do something else for a while. You sew, or make cookies, or go for a walk. In a few days, you ask yourself if you're ready to look towards the pain again." "Until the pain goes away?" he asked in a small tired voice. She shook her head. "The pain never goes away. It's only the sting that goes away. When you can feel the pain and acknowledge the pain but go on living without the numbness, then things start to look better. Then you notice that the flowers and the stars and the trees are still beautiful. Then you want to live because you feel in your heart it's what *he* would want you to do." He'd nodded in agreement; tried to look determined. It filled her with hope and admiration. She watched as he did his best to follow her advice in the weeks that followed. Because Onii-chan had said to love him. And as days passed and moments gathered, she loved him. As he helped her prepare the garden for winter and managed, despite the gloves and the tools to collect its dark soil on every part of his body, she loved him. As he lost game after game of chess to the gloating Keroberus with all the cheerful grace she remembered, she loved him. As her stores of food declined rapidly and she began to make plans for expanding the pantries, she loved him. And as the shadows continued to darken his gaze in quiet moments, she loved him and loved him and loved him. It was the most natural thing in the world, this opening of her heart to the most gentle person she had ever known. She found that each day her joy at being near him increased a little. On days when he withdrew to come to terms with the loss, she sensed less despair in him and more determination. He was growing stronger. Perhaps soon he'd ... She hoped she'd be ready. *** Yue was lost. He was lonely and confused, and he missed Sakura-sama. On one level, he was vaguely aware that things were going on. He knew that Yukito was somehow living his life again and that he was spending time with Sakura-sama. The knowledge should have comforted him, but it didn't. There was a strange mental detachment that kept him from really seeing or hearing everything that was going on, and kept him from having to face too closely the things that he felt seeing his other self spend so much time with his master. He wanted to be with her. To-ya was still with him. He cold still feel that familiar internal comfort. At first it had been very ... irritating. 'I don't *need* comfort and reassurance!' he'd raged silently. 'I need to go back! I need to let my master know that I'm alright! I need to be with her!' Of course, there had been no change. Just To-ya's love and To-ya's peace, and in the end, the anger had faded. He could never be mad at To-ya for long. It was becoming increasingly frustrating, though. Most frustrating of all, perhaps, was the fact that he had nothing to do but sit and miss Sakura-sama and stew over his own emotions on the subject. As soon as he could figure out what they were. He knew that he wanted to be with her. He knew, too, that it was more than just a sense of duty or a desire to stand ready to defend her if the need arose. She had become the center of his life. Yue hadn't been looking for another chance at romance. He hadn't planned on becoming more emotionally tangled in any way. Why look for new relationship when the old one still made you so content? Why open yourself up to those kinds of trouble when you're surrounded by friendship and filled with love. He was content to be loved by To-ya. But now his thoughts so often turned to Sakura-sama. Beloved Sakura-sama. It was incredibly confusing. The worst part was that he knew that not all of his warm thoughts in her direction were his own. Since he'd realized what he was contemplating, *someone* had decided to make his opinion on the subject known. He couldn't separate his natural feelings about it from the exasperating encouragement that he was sure came from To-ya himself. He couldn't stay mad at To-ya forever, but if this kept up, he was sure to find out just how *often* he could be mad at To-ya. 'Dammit!' he thought loudly in the metaphorical direction of his late lover. 'Come out and fight like a man!' There was no response. He almost laughed at himself. A fine job he was doing of sorting out his emotions. To-ya did need to be consulted, however, and there was a good chance he was waiting for a somewhat humbler request. It was rather infuriating. 'Alright.' He conceded. 'I'm sorry. You've made your opinion on the matter quite clear. Now I need you to let me figure this out on my own. You said yourself it means nothing if it doesn't come from within me.' He listened, but still nothing unusual disturbed the flow of his own thoughts or the whispered love that had never faltered through the centuries. He missed Sakura-sama. That part was genuine. That part was uniquely Yue. She was kind and beautiful and loving and he'd basked in the warmth of her presence since even before her judgement. He couldn't think of a time when he hadn't been made happier by knowing that she was nearby and that he was important to her. Yukito was with her now, and emotionally, that should have been good enough. It always had been in the past. He'd never known the line between himself and Yukito to be so defined. There had never been a time when he'd been less than fully aware of Yukito's life unless he wanted to be. That Yukito could experience Sakura's touch; her laughter; her concern now should have helped him to feel better. Instead, it seemed to be causing him a kind of impotent jealousy. To be jealous of one's own self? These feelings were cause for reflection as well. Something so ... pathetically Yue couldn't possibly be To-ya engendered. That meant that something strong and Sakura related *was* going on in his own heart. Something beyond the loyalty he'd always felt. Something besides the brotherly affection that had insisted he handle her first crush with all the delicacy he could muster. Something even beyond two centuries of built up admiration. He loved her, certainly. But was it romantic love? Was it the kind of love that overcomes all objections and grows in your heart a little stronger each day for all eternity? Like the love he still felt for that knuckle-headed To-ya? Not quite like that. Not yet. Not on that scale, but along that vein. It was a gentle romantic affection, perhaps. The kind that might inspire blushes and gossip in young girls, or the writing of bad poetry in shy males. At present, however, it was nothing more. Nothing to light the seas ablaze or pull the stars down from the sky. Beautiful, certainly. Not all consuming. A spark. It was just so. Like all sparks, it had the potential to become more -- or less. Like all sparks, it illuminated; it warmed. It could be easily extinguished. He had options, then. He wouldn't be separated from Sakura-sama forever, but he had time to ponder. Time to plan. He knew that if he were wise, he'd eliminate this potential for trouble. He'd purify his heart; renew his pledges of love to To-ya; swear eternal ... whatever. But surely he was in no danger of losing control of this tiny spark. He had time to come to know it well. Time to place it carefully behind glass. Time to learn more fully its dimensions, temperature, and properties. In the mean time, it certainly was beautiful. And it warmed his soul and illuminated his heart. *** Yukito didn't know the song that Sakura was humming, but he liked it very much. It reminded him of some of the happy summers of her childhood -- the years before her magical training had begun. The tune was cheerful and full of joy and as she accompanied him on his walk through the woods behind her home, she performed it with an absentminded abandon that almost made him laugh aloud. She hadn't changed so much after all. It wasn't that Sakura had no cares. He knew that other than his mysterious reappearance there were other things on her mind. From time to time he could see their weight upon her. Troubles he'd never have imagined had certainly crept up many times even in the years he could remember. He had often marveled at the grace and gravity with which she had met each challenge. They never kept her from being the kind, happy Sakura that he admired so much. He supposed he'd found the perfect role model. It was a high standard to measure up to, but he was doing his best. Things really were getting better, though. "What are you singing, Sakura-chan?" She turned to him with a smile. "Sorry. I forget sometimes that I'm singing at all. It's a song from a long time ago. I don't remember what it's called, and I've forgotten half the words. Something about how I love my life because it's created by the choices I make." He nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, that sounds like a song for Sakura." "Very funny, Yukito-san." "What about the part where you love your life because you're Sakura-chan and you were just born that way?" She looked at him with playfully narrowed eyes. "You're reminding me of a different song," she said. "One called 'Do Not Taunt the Magician.' Something about not realizing you've been served live frogs for dinner because of an illusion spell." But she couldn't hold her stern look when he laughed, and they both giggled like children for a moment. Yukito looked down on her fondly. "Sometimes," he said. "Sometimes you're so much like your brother..." Sakura's steps faltered a little. *** She breathed in slowly not wanting to show a reaction as a flutter of treacherous hope rose in her; not wanting to read more into his statement than he had intended; not wanting to frighten or hurt him in this delicate time in his recovery. She smelled the sweetness of the moist dead leaves as they slowly melded with the soil, she thought of Syaoran, she ordered her heart to be still. When it finally obeyed, she smiled at him. His recollections had not banished the contentment from his face which meant that he was certainly getting stronger. Perhaps soon he would have a lifetime of memories that would make him more happy than sad. Sakura again focused on her surroundings. The exertion was beginning to warm her, so she unbuttoned the top of her coat as she watched Yukito look around him in wonder. These were beautiful woods. They were full of reminders of the natural cycles of life. Reminders that nothing ever really dies and that no one is gone who is remembered. She stood in a place of happiness because she understood the gifts of a long life of experience and adversity. It was a place she hoped he would reach soon. But reaching it would not make him love her. She kept up the pace of their walk willing thoughts like that away. She couldn't afford to be melancholy around him of all people. Sensitive, perceptive Yukito-san would see through it in an instant, and then she'd feel guilty for worrying him. Try as she might, however, she couldn't seem to stop thinking about how wonderful it would be if this time things were different. If this time, she had come to be first in his thoughts. In the last few weeks, distressing feelings had begun to resurface in her. When Yue had fallen and Yukito had appeared, she'd worried. From the depths of her troubled subconscious, ugly fears had thrust themselves into her heart. The concern, relief, and gentle happiness that had come with recent events had set something free. Something she'd buried long ago. Something too strong to stay buried forever. She found -- with a certain amount of self loathing -- that the feelings she'd had for him so long ago had returned in force. Now that the idea had presented itself, she couldn't stop thinking about how much she wanted ... He was still so deep in mourning. For a person like Yukito- san, it would probably be years before he even considered finding love again. If he ever did. And Yue ... She supposed it was possible that when Yue came back, he'd ... He wasn't really the type to ... but ... Yue had come to the end of his grieving process long ago. If what Onii-chan had told her was correct, when Yue came back, he'd be more like his old self. More gentle. More understanding and supportive. He had always been such a wonderful friend. A pang went through her. She missed him. She'd missed Yukito too, but couldn't deny that she'd grown used to Yue's presence. She'd come to rely on his insight, steadiness, and diplomacy. Being without him was beginning to hurt a little. The last few mornings she'd awakened to the thought that she wouldn't see him, and the ache grew a little each day. She missed Yue. The soul was the same. She knew that. Every instinct told her that to love one was to love the other. And she did. Her heart was so full of him. Both of him. Onii-chan had seemed to believe that it was possible for she and ... She shook her head, forgetting for a moment that Yukito watched her. It was impossible. Absolutely impossible. Yue was too loyal. Too anxious to please her lately. Big love confessions had never been her strong point, but in this situation, she was so very afraid that telling Yue she loved him would be the same as ordering him to love her in return. He'd refused her once, but she'd been only eleven at the time, and he'd truly been in love with someone else. Now that her power was stronger; now that neither of them had any other romantic entanglements; now that his concern for her well-being ran deeper than ever, she couldn't help worrying that he'd do whatever he thought would bring her the most happiness. She couldn't be responsible for that. No. Even if Yue returned tomorrow, she'd say nothing. He'd never learn of her renewed affection from her. She'd love him until the day she died, but at the moment, it looked as if she would forever love him in silence. "What's wrong, Sakura-chan?" She stopped. Turned. Refastened one of the buttons at her collar. "I just ..." My, but the sky was blue today. "I just ... I miss Yue ... a little." As an answer, it would do. It was technically accurate and enough to explain the amount of emotion she'd let show. "I mean, I love having you here. I hope you'll feel like you can ... can come visit every day if you want to. It's just that ..." He smiled a little. "Just that you see Yue constantly. He's an important part of your life and it's strange not to have him around." She bit her lip and nodded. "Yukito-san, you know how much I've missed you. I worried sometimes that you'd never come back, and it's been so wonderful to spend this time with you. I just wish it could be the way it was. I wish Yue and Yukito could both be a part of my life." Off in the distance, something wild and winged was calling to its mate. Yukito turned towards the sound and thought for a long moment. "I have a feeling ..." he whispered. "That Yue will come back soon. I don't know why, but I don't think it will be much longer now." "Yukito-san, I ..." "Oh, I understand, Sakura-chan. I know you're not asking me to go. Yue will come back to you soon. I think ... I feel that he misses you too. He'll return. When he does, I promise I'll come see you again sometimes. Alright?" _Oh, please don't let me cry._ She held up her right hand, pinky extended. "Promise?" He hooked his little finger through hers. "I promise." She nodded sharply, then grinned. Yue was coming home soon. ------------------------------------------------------------------- End Chapter Six Please send any comments you have about this story to: Michelle Thatcher misha@cybergal.com Thankyou for reading.