This is chapter four.  Okay, you knew that already.  Read,
enjoy, send comments.

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The Wasteland 
A Card Captor Sakura fanfic 
by Michelle Thatcher 

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Chapter Four 
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It wasn't really surprising that Sakura was good with
children.  The strange girl that Keroberus had found was awake
now, and watching Sakura bathe her and dress her and talk to
her made Yukito smile.  

Once he'd decided that Sakura was his hero.  She was kind
and infinitely strong, and she lived her life to the fullest
even though the weight of the years and the loss of many loved
ones tempered the childish innocence she'd once exuded. 
Sakura went on living and bringing joy to everyone around her. 
He'd promised himself that he would emulate those things about
her as much as he could.  Hadn't her pain run as deep as his
own?  Hadn't the losses in her life outnumbered those in his? 
But while she had stood fast and fought against the darkness
in her own heart, he had turned and fled.  He truly admired
her for that.  He'd tried to overcome his own emotional
cowardice by following her example.  She'd been so strong
alone.  He'd wanted to be like that.

But Sakura wasn't alone any more.  Did the fact that she
had at last set aside the pain over her husband's death enough
to take Yue as a lover mean that she was an even better role
model for Yukito, or a worse one?  At the end of all of her
pain over love lost, she'd found new love.  What was at the
end of his pain?  In his own healing, what did his ultimate
goal need to be?

Once there had been To-ya, and the world spun on the axis
of To-ya and twice a day Tsukishiro Yukito closed the circle
of his arms around the one that he loved on the back of an
ordinary bicycle.  The Yukito self concept, nebulous at the
best of times, had become tied together by those two defining
moments every day.  At those moments going to school and home
again he was content.  It didn't matter then whether To-ya
knew or didn't know.  It didn't matter if he felt the same way
or not.  Yukito was happy, and he was somehow sure that To-ya
was happy too.  That was enough.

Yukito had loved Kinimoto Touya almost from the moment
that they had met.  Someone had once told him that he'd only
felt that way because people with magical power are naturally
drawn to some other people with magical power.  He couldn't
reject that idea entirely.  It explained why the two of them
had *liked* each other so much and so immediately.  He
couldn't believe that there was nothing more to it, however.  

He'd known his own heart quite well.  To-ya was powerful
and beautiful beyond words, but if he hadn't also been sweet
and giving and sensitive and *wonderful,* Yukito didn't
believe that all the magic power in the world would have made
him fall in love with as much abandon as he had.  Every day
he'd found himself a little more impressed with his friend's
quiet strength and compassion.  Every day the secret hope that
he'd treasured had become a little more all consuming.

And then lots of things had happened.  Terrible things and
scary things and confusing things and wonderful things and at
the end of it all there had been To-ya and Yuki.  The world
had been a beautiful place then.

In the midst of all the joy he felt in being with the one
he loved, another wonderful thing had happened.  He'd begun to
understand the truth about his dual nature.  He and Yue had
become closer and closer until he really could admit that he
was Yue.  He was Yukito who loved To-ya as well as Yue who
loved To-ya.

When looked at logically he realized that it seemed a
little strange, but at the time, it had felt very right.  The
joy that came with internal unity nearly matched the joy that
came from love.  

There had been a time of real happiness.

And then there had been sadness.

And then there had been oblivion.

Perhaps he would have slept forever within Yue if it had
been allowed.  He was glad now that he'd come back because he
couldn't be with Sakura for long without smiling.  She made
him happy.  She reminded him of all the things in the world
that were worth working for or fighting for.

She was his friend.

To-ya had wanted them to be together.

For years, though, the issue of Sakura and Yue as lovers
had concerned him.  Hadn't he once believed that he and Yue
were the same?  Why, then, had he not shared the passion he
sensed in Yue for this beautiful woman that was now the center
of their lives?

The question had puzzled him to no end.

Now, though, something strange was happening.  It was not
like falling in love.  He remembered those sensations quite
clearly.  There was no nervousness or nausea.  No torturous
rapture at the thought that someone might, just might, feel
the same way.  It was nothing like falling in love.

It was more like *being* in love.

Being with Sakura-chan had always made him happy.  She had
that effect on everyone she knew.  Lately, though, it seemed
like a different kind of happiness.  It was brighter and
fuller and gentler all at the same time.  Now more and more he
wanted to spend time with her.  Every day if he could.  He was
beginning to almost resent those moments when Yue blocked him
from knowing what was going on.  Not because he didn't think
that the two of them deserved their privacy, but because it
meant one more moment that he wouldn't be able to watch Sakura
and feel close to her.

And when he was really with her -- when it was Yukito that
sat beside her at tea, or walked through the woods with her --
he had to fight against a host of instincts that seemed quite
sure that he should be putting one arm around her or walking
just a little closer, or ...

He pulled his mind away from such thoughts.  Sakura
belonged to Yue now, and there were so many miles between he
and Yue these days ...

And he wasn't ready.

These were thoughts he'd danced around before.  If To-ya
had not lived to be two-hundred and fifty years old, it was
*his* fault.  Yukito's fault.  Yue's fault.  To-ya had been
much too ornery to die for anything less than true love. 
They'd had two decades together.  Longer than many people
could claim.  Longer, certainly, than Sakura herself and the
boy she'd married.  But under different circumstances, it
could have been two centuries, or four, or a hundred.

Well, maybe not a hundred ...

How was it that now he was considering the possibility of
letting himself love another?

Intellectually, he was sure that his beloved would not
have wanted him to spend eternity alone.  In fact, if To-ya
himself were to choose someone for Yukito to love, wouldn't he
choose their Sakura-chan?

It would be just like him, really.

Just like To-ya to subtly guide him towards the open arms
of the one person who could understand the isolation that came
with magic and destiny and far, far too much time stretching
out before you.  Just like To-ya to worry enough about both of
them that he'd take steps to make sure that ...

But that didn't change facts.  Facts like To-ya dying so
young.  Facts like illnesses like To-ya's being easily
overcome by individuals with power like To-ya's.  Facts like
how *much* he missed To-ya.

And most of all, the fact that there was nothing else he
could do to show his love and gratitude to him except to mourn
and to be faithful for every moment that he was himself
forever.

He wasn't sure what to do. *Was* he in love with Sakura? 
Sometimes it seemed so, however, from experience, he knew that
it could just as easily be Yue's feelings creeping into his
heart.  Because Yue loved Sakura was not enough reason for
Yukito to love her too.  He wanted to make his own decision
and feel his own feelings.  

Was he in love?

Perhaps it was too soon to know.  He wasn't going
anywhere, and neither was Sakura.  There was no hurry to
figure all of this out.  If an opportunity presented itself,
he'd bring it up, but he didn't feel any great pressure to do
so.  Right now he just wanted to enjoy Sakura's company.

And the huge dinner she'd prepared.



***


Sakura watched in great amusement as Ayumi went to work on
her food.  It was familiar in so many ways; the quick and well
practiced motion of the chopsticks, the cheerful smile, the
precise rhythm of the jaw as she swallowed as quickly as she
was able to bring food to her mouth.  Yukito across from her
mirrored the speed and grace, though the bites he took were
certainly larger.  She'd known many magicians in her day. 
She'd seen many dinners like this one.

It was useless to try to hold a conversation with any moon
powered individual while they were eating, but two of them? 
She continued to watch while taking much slower bites of her
own food, chewing carefully, and swallowing a single mouthful
to five or six of her friends'.  

Ayumi began to slow first.  It made sense.  Yukito had
years of practice on her, and a larger stomach.  Her motions
grew slower and slower, and finally she placed one final bite
in her mouth, set her chopsticks neatly on her plate, and
swallowed with effort.  "Thank you for the food, Sensei!"

"You're welcome, Ayumi."

"It was really good!"

"You are kind."  Sakura set her own chopsticks down.  Now
came the hard part.  "Ayumi-chan, would you tell me some
things about your village?"

An automatic guarded look came into the child's eyes, and
Sakura found herself angry once more at people she'd never
even met.  She'd been raised to respect other people's
beliefs, but there were limits to her tolerance.  There were
actions and attitudes too hateful and cruel to be forgiven no
matter what the motivation for them might be.  She disciplined
her features and kept her voice as calm as possible.  "Please,
Ayumi.  It's important."

Ayumi nodded solemnly.

"Do you know where your village is?"

The girl pointed in one direction, shook her head, pointed
in another direction, then folded her hands in her lap and
looked puzzled.  "It's far away from here," she said.  "Out of
the mountains.  No one from there likes to come into the
mountains.  There's a road, but Grandmother says it goes to
another town like ours, and there's one that goes to a ...
port?  A town by the ocean.  We went there once when I was
little.  There's a big market there."

Not in the mountains.  Not by the ocean.  That narrowed
things down a little.

"And you lived there with your grandmother?"

"Yes."

"Did anyone else live with you?"

"No, Sensei.  Just Grandmother."

"Did you have any other family in the village?  Uncles or
aunts or a father?"

"No, Sensei."

"Ayumi-chan, did ... what is your grandmother like?"

"Old.  Nice.  She loves me a lot.  She takes care of me. 
I ... I think she worked really hard to keep me safe.  She
taught me not to tell people about the things I see.  When I
was little I didn't know any better.  She wasn't afraid of me,
though.  I think she just knew that the other people would be
afraid.  I don't think she knew that there were people that
didn't live in the village that weren't afraid.  But now
everyone knows anyway.  Do you think she's mad at me, Sensei?"

"Oh, no, Ayumi-chan!  I don't think she's angry at all.  I
think she's probably very worried about you.  I think we
should find her as soon as we can and tell her that you're
alright."

Ayumi nodded and looked off into the corner for a moment. 
"I ... I miss her, Sensei."

She was dreading the next question.  She'd do everything
she could to protect Ayumi and keep her happy.  Even if it
meant going to live in that ridiculous backward village
herself and herding cattle and carrying water from the well
every day for fifteen years with Keroberus in her pocket. 
Even if it meant Erasing the memories of everyone in the
surrounding countryside.  She had to give her the opportunity
to make her own decision.  "Ayumi-chan, do you ... want to go
back to live with your grandmother?"

The child looked at her with alarm.  Her power surged
forward, and Sakura welcomed it once more; let it look for
what it would.  She loved Ayumi and wanted her to be happy. 
It slowly receded.  "Sensei, I ... Can I stay here?  With
you?"

Kero-chan looked up.  Even Yukito had stopped, one bite
held perfectly still between his plate and his face.  He
looked at Sakura calmly.

And perhaps it was good that she had never had any
children of her own.  She'd known this child only one day, and
already she'd move heaven and earth for her.  Already she was
completely in love with her.  From what she could tell, the
Grandmother was wise and wished to protect the child.  Surely
she wouldn't object to ...  "Of course you can stay, Ayumi-
chan."  Her voice was hoarse and soft.  "For as long as you
want."

Ayumi smiled and stood up.  She came to Sakura and held
out her arms, and Sakura took her into her lap and hugged her
tightly for a moment.  "As long as you want, Ayumi-chan.   At
least until you're all grown up.  Forever if you like."  She
was crying, and the child was crying, and Keroberus was
looking suspiciously emotional, and Yukito ...

Yukito was smiling gently.  There was something in his
approving expression that reminded her of Yue's words. 
Something strange and wonderful.  Ayumi snuggled close. 
Sakura held her and thought of all the things she wanted to do
for her.  

"Ayumi, what about your grandmother.  Do you want me to
ask her if she wants to come live here with us?"

What happened next puzzled Sakura a great deal.  The girl
looked up at her and smiled, and for a moment she was sure
that she would agree.  Then a strange and confused look
crossed her face.  Her eyes went blank, and Sakura was alarmed
and more than a little scared, but she waited.  She seemed to
be breathing normally, and her power felt the same.

"Sensei, I don't think that's a good idea.  Don't tell
her.  Don't tell her where I am.  Tell her I'm safe.  Tell her
you'll take care of me.  I have to stay here.  She has to stay
there."

"Alright, Ayumi-chan.  If that's what you want."  

Yukito and Keroberus turned their attention back to their
food, and Sakura held Ayumi and thought calm and affectionate
thoughts and made plans of many kinds.  Her thoughts were soon
interrupted by a familiar plea from her Sun Guardian. 
"Sakura-*chan*!  Can I please have more?"

"No."

"Pretty please."

She laughed.  "You've had plenty.  Why don't you take
Ayumi-chan outside to play."

Ayumi expressed her approval of this plan by cheering
loudly while jumping up and running to the door.  She turned
for a moment and bowed.  "Thank you for the wonderful food,
sensei!" and she was gone, presumably to find her shoes.

"Shopping trip." Sakura muttered.  "We should definitely
go on a shopping trip soon."  After all, Ayumi had only one
set of clothes, and no toys whatsoever, and they were making
the most adorable little sandals for girls these days, or at
least they had been the last time she'd been in Tokyo, but
come to think of it that had been about six years ago so she
should probably get herself some new things as well, and ...

"Kero-chan!"

He looked up innocently.  "Yes, Sakura-chan?"

"Go on, Kero-chan.  I'll save you some extra cookies. 
Keep Ayumi-chan out of trouble, alright?"

He sighed in a superior and long suffering way, but turned
and left with something like eagerness.  It had been a very
long time since he'd had a new playmate.

Yukito laughed.  "It's your fault for turning out to be
such a good cook, Sakura-chan.  You shall forever be
surrounded by enthusiastic eaters."

She shook her head.  "I've gotten used to you and Kero-
chan, but even Ayumi?"

"Oh, the curse of culinary excellence.  I'm afraid that
you're doomed."

She'd found during the course of the night that she
sometimes had to fight to keep the goofy look off of her face. 
It wasn't as if she was not content with her life already. 
She'd seldom been as happy as she was now.  It was Yue that
had given her this happiness; Yue that had made her glad that
she had the power to live a life that might yet stretch into
many centuries.  Once those years had felt like a burden.  Now
she knew that she'd spend them with him, and she looked ahead
with joy.

But what was this new happiness?  The thought of being
loved by Yukito as well was doing strange things to her.  It
was a bubbly and enthusiastic joy.  A bright blue overlay to
the background of her pastel contentment.  Everything about
Yue was perfect and wonderful.  Why then was she becoming so
eager for this change?

Yukito put one hand over his stomach.  He looked so
adorably content.  He looked ... happy.

Happier than she'd seen him in much too long.  

"Would you like to walk with me in the gardens?  If you've
had enough to eat, I mean."

"Yes, thank you.  It was delicious."

She stood and he came to walk by her side.  "It was the
least I could do.  I appreciate your help with all of this."

"Sakura-chan, you know that I'm always glad to help out
whenever I can."

Yukito's was not a flawless happiness.  It was certainly
not the happiness of the days before Onii-chan's illness.  Not
the happiness of sharing your love with someone who adores
you.  Still, he seemed much improved even from the resigned
and determined Yukito-san that she'd seen slowly recovering
from his long grieving process.  That thought made her happy. 
He was important to her, and it felt good knowing that he was
feeling better.  

And if he loved her ...  If she loved him ...  If they
were going to love each other, then ...

She smiled.  True love could make someone very very happy. 
There was room in her heart for Yue and for Yukito.  If Yukito
had been willing to share his love with Yue once before, then
why shouldn't he be willing to do so again?  And then she'd
love Yukito and her love would make him ...

Oh, she hoped.  She prayed.  If only her love could be
what Yukito needed to make him happy again.  Happy like he'd
been in high school.  Happy like he'd been with Onii-chan. 
Then ...

The moon was high.  Half full, just as Yue had promised. 
She thought again of her scheduled tryst, and fought off a
moment's impatience to be away from here.  The night was long,
and she was enjoying the company of a beloved friend.  She
smiled softly at her Yukito-san and thanked him for his
kindness.  "I always know I can count on you.  It'll be fun,
won't it?"

"I always have fun when I'm with you, Sakura-chan."

He fell silent suddenly.  In the darkness she was only
half sure that a delicate blush had spread across his cheeks
and his nose.  Perhaps it was just a play of lamplight on his
spectacles.  She would never have dreamed it could be
otherwise if Yue had not felt compelled to ask her ... to warn
her of what was on the horizon.  The gradual opening of a
heart newly healed.  

She had to be careful.  There had been no certain
indication from him.  Nothing more than a restless glance or
an uncharacteristic silence as they shared their meal.  They'd
talked like this often in the years since his return.  Always
there had been silences.  Before they had been comfortable
ones.  Enjoyable pauses in their enjoyable conversations.  Now
the silences were full of a new kind of tension.  Not
unpleasant, really, but awkward.

How did one say to one's friend 'Whatever the question,
the answer will be yes.  More cookies?  A walk on the beach? 
The rest of my life by your side?  Ask.  Please ask.  Why
don't you ask?'

"Sakura, I ..."

'Ask.'

"I wanted to ..."

He had stopped walking, and she turned to him knowing that
if he had the courage to see, he'd find his answer in her
eyes.

He would not meet them.

'Ask.  Please ask.'

"There's something that I ..."

'And when you ask, I'll be able to answer.'

"I've been wondering ..."

'And the answer will be yes.'

"I ..."

'Yes.'

The silence was absolute.  His silence.  She knew she
should say something, but nothing helpful was coming to mind.

That was when he met her eyes at last.  Hopeful and
trembling, he opened his mouth, then closed it again.  He
smiled gently.  "It's nothing, Sakura-chan."

Had she really believed it would be so simple?  Should she
take the lead?

She found that she could not.

"I'm going to go now.  I'll see you tomorrow, Sakura-
chan."

Quickly, she hugged him.  He seemed just a bit startled,
but this was something friends did, so it was alright. 
"Tomorrow, Yukito-san."  She let go and backed away.

"Thank you for dinner," and then there was brightness and
Yue had one hand over his face and he was shaking his head. 

"What am I going to do with the two of you?"

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Thanks for reading!