Chapter six.  Does that make three weeks in a row? 
Unfortunately, the next chapter won't be out until two weeks
from now.  I know I said every Sunday, but I'm going to
AnimeFEST next weekend, and I will be very busy between now
and then.  And there haven't been any comments about the
previous three chapters.  Having to wait an extra week is your
punishment for reading my story, but not sending me any
comments about it, so there.  Think about THAT next week when
you're sitting at your computer without a new chapter and I'm
sitting in the guest suite at a luxury hotel in Dallas
drinking Dejablue and shooting the breeze with Scott McNiel.  

-------------------------------------------------------------- 

The Wasteland 
A Card Captor Sakura fanfic 
by Michelle Thatcher 


============= 
Chapter Six
============= 



There was definitely progress.  The first two days, this
had been much harder.  She was optimistic enough to believe
that it was because the energies were resigned to permanently
bending to her will and that she wasn't just splashing her
hands about in some metaphorical water bucket that would go
right back to the way it had been once she stopped.  Yue was a
created being.  These energy patterns had been laid out by a
powerful human magician and she believed that they could be
permanently changed by one as well.

Long ago when the hope that she might be able to diffuse
this potential for future tragedy had first begun to bloom
inside her, she had been greatly intimidated by the idea.  Her
intuition had failed her completely except to suggest that it
was going to be the hardest thing she'd ever done.  She'd
exhausted every avenue of research that she could think of. 
She'd even spent months trying to contact the one man who
should have been able to help her.

It had been over a century since she'd had any word at all
from Hiiragizawa Eriol, and every spell of locating she'd cast
had turned up negative.  Of course, he'd proven in the past
that such spells would have no effect if he didn't want to be
found, but she couldn't imagine her old teacher ignoring such
an obvious plea for his advice or help or even presence.  She
could only conclude that he, like her father, had grown tired
and had at last embraced his own death as every human someday
must regardless of their power.  She couldn't be too sad for
Eriol when she'd so often dreamed of courting that peace
herself, but his help with this endeavor would certainly have
been welcome.

And he hadn't even said goodbye.

'What are you doing?  Pay attention.'

'Oh!'  Her brother's mild tones had always flustered her
deeply.  Of course, she was sure that was the way he liked it. 
'Sorry, Onii-chan.  I was just ... thinking about something.'

'Well, try to think about what you're doing if it's not
too much trouble.  I've got things to do.'

'Sorry.  Onii-chan?'

'Yeah?'

'Yukito-san is...  He's starting to ... act differently.'

'Yeah.'

'Yue says it's ...  He says it's ... time to ...'  It was
too strange.  Too personal talking about these things with
him.  She was somehow sure, though, that he already knew
exactly what she meant.  'Is it true, Onii-chan?'

'Yue wouldn't lie to you.'

'I know, but ...'

'Anyway, you've already decided what you want.'

'Yes.  But ... I guess I still need you to tell me if it's
alright with you.  I need to know how you feel.'

Too personal.  Too strange.  They'd never talked about it. 
Not when she first found out that he knew ... everything.  Not
when Yukito had first confessed the truth about his feelings
to her.  Not ever.  Now, though, it stood between them.  It
was Yukito that her brother had fallen in love with.  It was
Yukito that he had fought for and won.  Yue he had learned to
love; had come to see as a natural part of his lover and best
friend, but since Yue had always belonged to Sakura, their
love had been dependant upon her unconscious generosity.  An
intimacy had existed between Yue and Sakura all along, but
Yukito had always belonged exclusively to Touya.

'What is it you want from me, Sakura?'

'I don't know.  Your blessing, I suppose.'

'I gave you that already.'

He had done so twelve years ago.  It had been his
encouragement that had opened the way for her to love Yue.  'I
know.  But this is different.  This is Yukito, and ...'

'It's not different, kid.  Not different at all.  I can't
give you one and keep the other for myself.  I can't seal half
of his heart up tight.  He's free to make his own decisions. 
I want him to be happy.  Without you, he won't be happy.  It's
simple.'

'Simple...'

'Yeah.  You almost done?'

'Almost.'  She pushed and persuaded and coaxed and finally
things felt just right.  She sealed her work the best she
could, then turned it over to him.  'How long do you think
it'll last this time?'

'I don't know.  Two hours, maybe.  Less if you stay and
shoot the breeze much longer.'

'What do you mean?'

There was a touch of irritation in his unreal tones, but
what she could sense of his state of mind was neutral.  'It
all takes power.  Talking to you takes power and talking to
him takes power and standing here in the breach for you takes
a whole lot of power.'

'But you're so strong!'

'Well, of course I am.  You think it's easy all this big
brother stuff I do? *You* are a real handful.'  This came
through with irony, but the affection was strong too. 
Stronger than he'd probably intended.  It gave her a childish
burst of happiness as his tirade continued.  'I mean, if it's
not you it's Yue.  If it's not Yue, it's Yuki.  I never get
any rest.'

'But we think you're wonderful.  That has to count for
something.'

'Well...'

'Onii-chan, do you ... do you and Yue talk ... a lot?'

'Sometimes.'

'What about?'

'I don't know.  All sorts of things.'

'Me?'  She got a distinct impression of a sneaking sort of
guilt and wondered at what it was directed.  After all, what
could be more natural?

'But we never talk for very long.  It takes power. 
Everything does.'

'Like what?'

Evasiveness hit her like a wave.  'Aren't we nosy?'  

His teasing was barely covering something important.  He'd
always had secrets, but if she was taking energy away from
some truly vital endeavor with all her requests, then she
wanted to know it.  'Watching us?'

'Yes.'

'Talking to us?'

'Yes.'

And suddenly she was sure she understood.  'Staying here?'

His silence held all the profound confirmation she needed. 
She knew that he'd feel her sorrow down here in the highly
conductive medium of their mutual lover's soul and she tried
hard to keep it inside.  'It gets harder every day, doesn't
it?'

'Sakura, I ...'

'You told me that once, but I forgot it.  I forgot that
you were running out of time.'

He sealed his emotions tightly.  There was only will and
determination now.  'I'm not going anywhere.  I'm stronger
than this.  I've got some important things left to do.  When I
can't do anything but hold on, then worry.  For now, I'm just
fine.'

'Onii-chan-'

'I'm fine.  I'll go when I'm good and ready.  Now are we
going to talk about this all day or are you going to go do
your job and let me do mine?'

The words stung a little, but again she fought to keep it
inside herself.  He could be forgiven a little surliness on
this topic, but she couldn't help but wish that he was willing
to talk to her about it.  That had never been his way, though,
and she clutched her regret a little tighter.  'I'm going
now,' she told him weakly.  'I love you.'

He was silent again for a long time.  Usually her leave
takings were just another excuse for him to taunt her.  She
didn't mind that.  His real feelings had always been obvious
in everything he did.  Now, though, he hesitated.  'Sakura, I
...'

He loved her.  He always had.  She didn't need the words. 
'I know, Onii-chan.  I'll see you soon.'

Her awareness was rapidly falling up and she suddenly had
a total knowledge of her hands resting on Yue's firm chest. 
The muscles in her face tightened into a smile at that
thought, and that was the all she needed to reinstate the
connection between her mind and her body.  She was inside
herself again, but she stayed where she was, eyes closed,
fingers still for a few moments more.  She was the luckiest
girl in the world.

"Sakura?"

She opened her eyes and beamed at him.  She let her hands
move over the familiar topology just a bit.  "You know, you're
very nice to come back to."

He pretended not to blush.  "How did things go?"

"Quite well.  We're making progress.  Do you feel any
different?"

He absently ran one finger gently up and down the side of
her wrist as he looked within for any changes.  "No
different," he admitted.  "Are you sure you don't just want to
play with my chest?  All you have to do is ask, you know."

"Am I that transparent?" As she leaned forward and kissed
him, he cooperated with enthusiasm for a few moments.  "You
really are getting closer to Yukito-san, aren't you?  It's
been a long time since you've teased this much."

"Yukito?  A tease?  You must be mistaken."

"Oh, I heard some of those little asides to Onii-chan.  I
never thought I'd see *my* brother blush, but *you-*"

He cut her off by pulling her down into a more passionate
kiss, then held her at arms length for a moment and looked
into her eyes.  "What is it that you're trying to do, Sakura?"

"Ummm ...  Seduce you?"

He smiled.  "Before that."  His hands rested meaningfully
on hers.  

"Oh!  In there!  You mean you don't know?"

"You haven't told me."

"Well, no, but ...  I thought that ... you'd *guess,* or
that ... he'd tell you, or ..."

Yue looked away, his expression flat.  It alarmed her a
little.  Deference.  To his master.  "Yue, I ...  It's not
like that.  I ..."  She always felt like she'd kicked a puppy
when he looked like that.  His resignation to fate and the
will of Sakura-sama.  His infuriating loyalty.  "Look at me,"
she whispered, and his eyes snapped to hers.  "Yue, it's just
... hard to talk about.  It's not ... secret.  I really
thought ... that you knew."

His eyes were soft and trusting.  One hand went to her
cheek.  He waited.

"We never talk about it anymore.  I'm not as weary of life
as I was fifteen years ago.  I hope to stay here with you for
a long long time, but someday ..."  Someday ...  "Yue, I just
want you to be safe.  Your new master will need you to be
strong, and it might be a long time before they have enough
power for you, so ...  So I ... *we* decided to try to change
things.  We don't want ..."

"Ah."  His fingers stiffened a little on her cheek and
again he looked away.  "I see."

"Yue, we just want you to be safe.  We can't bear to think
of you suffering again.  If there's *anything* we can do-"

"Suffering?"  She fell silent as his whisper cut through
her sentence as if she spoke in tones no louder than the hum
of a bee.  "Sakura, when you're gone it won't be weakness that
makes me suffer."  He smiled sadly.  "You know that, don't
you?  I sometimes wish that you'd release me, so that I can
die with you when the time comes.  Sometimes I wish that I
didn't have to go on losing masters and friends and lovers in
these terrible slow cycles.  I ask myself 'How many times? 
How many centuries?'  It's not my dependence on your power
that makes me afraid of the next turn of the wheel.  It never
has been."  

She closed her eyes and he let her collapse onto his prone
form.  His arms went around her.  

He held her for a small eternity.  When it was time for
words again, she whispered "I have to try."

"I know.  I understand."

"I'm not going to leave you, Yue.  Not for a very long
time."

"I know."

The heir would need him.  Would absolutely positively not
be able to get along without him.  Of that she was somehow
certain.  Accept no substitutions.  But if this was really how
he felt ...

"I don't mean to be selfish," he said at last.  "Back in
the beginning with you, the thought that I might fade away ...
sometimes it was very appealing.  I'm glad that I didn't give
in, but there was a time when I longed to let go.  Before the
reasons for living began to take on a life of their own."

"Onii-chan?"

"Yes.  And you too.  Even back then I didn't want to hurt
you.  I wanted to see you smile."

"Yue, don't you ... don't you think you might find reasons
like that again?"

His voice was tired.  "Is it your desire?"

She nodded, her nose bumping his shoulder comically.  "I
know it hurts.  Believe me, I do, but ... it's important, Yue. 
It won't work without you."

"I'll do my best, beloved."  But there was a tightness in
his voice that she didn't like, and she couldn't fight the
feeling that she was bullying him a little.  Clow had done
this to him too.  Clow had given him his marching orders and
then left him weak and alone.   She held him sadly needing to
believe that he didn't begrudge her her freedom.  The freedom
of death.

"It's not the same," he said.

"Not the same?"

"As Clow.  He lied to me.  He kept me from understanding
his will and his plans.  He hurt me.  Sakura, you ..."  He
reached for her hand and kissed it.  "You could never do that. 
Even if you wanted to, it's not in your nature.  Your wishes I
will fulfill eagerly to the end of my days.  I'll miss you
forever, but I won't despair.  I won't rebel.  All I ask is
that you tell me what you want and that you tell me why.  I
know that you wouldn't ask these things for no reason.  I know
this can't be easy for you either."

"Dying?  Dying is definitely the easy part.  Not yet,
though.  I have too much to do.  Yue, I promise.  No secrets. 
No schemes.  And absolutely no lies.  And I really really love
you."

He smiled then, and the tension in her heart eased.  At
that moment she couldn't even imagine a day when she would
willingly leave him.  She couldn't imagine giving up his
understanding and his tenderness and his touch even for rest
or a hope of starting out fresh.  She couldn't imagine ever
again wanting to leave this life behind.  So different from
the last century of her life.  It was really no great mystery. 
Love brings joy.  Joy keeps the spirit young and strong.  Clow
had made mistakes born of weariness and lonely misery.  He had
disregarded the feelings of many in his confused depression. 
Yue, though, would save her from that fate.  Yue would help
her to keep her sanity and her perspective, and for him she
would do the best that she could.  A powerful magician needs a
purpose; a righteous cause to fight for.  That kind of power
without focus ...

Yue kissed her hand again and all serious thought fled.

She was the luckiest girl in the world.


***


Sakura-sensei was busy with something.  It had to do with
Yue-san and worrying about the future.  Sakura-sensei worried
about the future a lot.

There were, she supposed, a lot of people who thought
about what was to come more than was healthy.  It seemed,
though, that most of them could see very little of what really
waited behind the next turn of an hour or a day.  She wondered
whether it was good that she knew sometimes or if it was bad. 
Her grandma thought it was good.  The people of her village
thought it was very bad.

Was it magic?

Sakura-sensei had taught her that magic was good.  That
she could use it to do good things and to help people. 
Sakura-sensei always knew when someone had used magic, and
Ayumi was learning to tell too, but sensei didn't *see* the
magic.  She only felt it.  Ayumi *saw* magic.  

Just like she sometimes saw the future.

Was seeing the future a kind of magic too, and if it was,
then why could Ayumi see it even just sometimes while sensei
with her very strong strong magic couldn't see it at all?

There were lots of things that sensei couldn't see.  Magic
and spirits and things just on the edge of defining themselves
that Ayumi could see very very clearly.  Sometimes sensei
would stop and her magic would come out of her in tiny strands
and feelers and sometimes she'd even go so far as to turn in
the direction of the kitsune that was watching them from the
edge of the forest, or the memory of the little girl who had
once played in the ancient garden, but her eyes never quite
focused on these visitors, and Ayumi sometimes felt that she
should tell sensei what it was that she had half sensed, but
years of her grandmother's warnings still rang in her head,
and in the end, she always turned away and went back to
playing or helping with the flowers or walking the maze of
pathways around sensei's home.

'Did the village find out?  That you can see things?' she
had asked that day.  The first day when the terrible,
frightening night had ended and Ayumi had begun to hope that
things would be alright now and to wish that she could see a
little more of the future but knowing that her sensei loved
her and that somehow that would make everything alright. 
Absolutely alright.

She felt sure that someday sensei would ask her what she
saw, but until then, she felt strange about saying anything.

Just in case it was bad.

She was playing in the garden now, and while sensei and
Yue-san were inside doing the important thing, Kero-chan-san
was taking care of her again.  Sensei was always careful to
make sure that someone was watching over her.  She liked that
a lot.  It made her feel safe and important and loved.  It
meant that none of the nasty story creatures she'd been told
of all her life could come out of their caves and swamps and
rotting old trees to get her.  She was scared of this old
mountain and its thousands of evil stories, but Kero-chan-san
had teeth and claws and wings and shining gold power and no
matter what, he would keep her safe because he always did what
Sakura-sensei said.

Ayumi wiped her hands on her knees.  Her dress got dirty
all the time, and she only had one, but Sakura-sensei cleaned
it with her magic over and over again and never got mad that
it was dirty.  Sakura-sensei had promised that she would get
her some more clothes someday soon and said something about
'town' which had a dizzying big feel to Ayumi.  Familiar but
scary even though she was sure that she couldn't really know
what those huge buildings were or that strange orange tower
that pointed at the sky like a branchless tree or a sundial or
a hundred other things that felt at once so alien and so
intimate that thinking about them too long made her eyes hurt. 
Sensei's world was such a big place.  Bigger than she could
have imagined any world might really be before the magic of
this mountain had begun to whisper to her.  Strange
certainties.  Things she shouldn't know, but did.

"Kero-chan-san?"

"Hmm?"

"When will Sakura-sensei come out?"

Keroberus looked up at the sun.  "Very soon.  It's almost
time for lunch."

"She's almost done with the important thing?"

He held very still for a moment and she got the sense that
he was sniffing the air or thinking very hard about sensei. 
"They're done now.  As soon as Yue is ready they'll come out."

"Do you always know what sensei is doing with her magic?"

"Pretty much.  She's standing in her own skin again, and
that means she's done using magic for now."

"Would you know if *I* was doing something with *my*
magic?"

"Only if I was standing next to you.  Should we go inside
and wash up?"

"Okay!"

In the house she felt that she could go anywhere she
wanted and be safe.  Sensei didn't seem to mind, and there
were so many wonderful things all over and the traces of
Sensei's magic in every room.  Safe safe safe.  For now.

Her mind slid off the thought quickly as too hard to think
about.  A gap had been forming somewhere in her mind defined
by all the things she couldn't or wouldn't think about.  It
had begun that night at dinner when Sensei had asked about
bringing Grandmother here.  Ayumi was safe here, but
Grandmother would not be safe.  She couldn't understand why,
and she couldn't think about it too hard.  It scared her a
little, but for now she was safe.  For now there was lunch and
talk and play and someone to tuck her in bed and kiss her, and
nothing bad to hide from.  No secret shame.  No fear.  She
washed her hands in the kitchen sink and dried them on a cute
yellow towel and when she turned around, Sensei was standing
in the doorway, one hand up to push aside the curtain, the
other holding something.  Fabric was draped from wrist to
elbow.  And Sensei was smiling.  At her.  It made her feel
warm and happy.

"Ready for lunch already, Ayumi-chan?"

"Yes, Sensei!"

"You're such a good girl!"  From the doorway she took two
steps and sat at the table, then motioned for Ayumi to sit
beside her.  When she'd been helped gently into the chair next
to Sensei by Yue-san's strong hands, she looked at Sensei and
smiled shyly.  

"Did you have a good time playing outside?"

"Yes, Sensei!"

"Don't forget.  Yue and I are leaving tomorrow morning. 
We'll probably be gone at least two days.  You'll be good for
Kero-chan, won't you?"

"I will, Sensei!"

Sakura smiled fondly.  "I know you will.  I've made you a
present.  To help you be brave while I'm gone."  The cloth was
a small homemade blanket of very dark blue. 

"Thank you, Sensei!  You made this?"

"For Ayumi-chan."

"I didn't know you could sew too!"

Sakura rolled her eyes.  "Don't sound so surprised.  My
father taught me."  She smiled for a moment because of a
pleasant memory.  It was strange to think of Sensei with a
father, though.  She tried to picture it, but something in her
mind seemed unable to focus on the idea.  A man who could sew? 
It was too strange and somehow too significant at the same
time.  

"What's he like?" she found herself asking.

"Well ... he died a long time ago."

"Oh!  I'm sorry, Sensei."

She shook her head.  "It's alright, Ayumi-chan.  I miss
him sometimes, but when I sew or cook, it's easy to remember
all the wonderful things about him."  She turned her attention
to the surface of the table.  Slowly, she passed her hand over
the highly polished wood.  "Illusion," she whispered.

An image formed.  A handsome middle-aged man with glasses
and a soft smile.  Ayumi stared.  Somewhere in the hidden
depths of her soul, the fabric of memory rippled.  For a
moment a longing stirred deep within her for ... something. 
Security and kindness and ... love.  She clutched the blanket
tighter.  She saw an image in her mind of what he might have
looked like a decade or two younger with that soft smile, a
needle in his hand.  A feeling of strong arms around her.  A
whisper of warm black power that tasted so very familiar.  A
strange kind of love that was mysterious and frightening to
her young mind but that somehow, somewhere ...

She closed her eyes.  That smile.  It wouldn't leave her
mind.  She wasn't sure she wanted it to.

"Ayumi-chan?"

"Hmm?"  She looked up.  "I'm sorry, I ..."  Just another
strange echo.  Impossible knowledge.  "You really love him,
don't you?"

"Very very much."

"He taught you a lot of things."

"All sorts of things."

"And you sewed this for me?"

Sensei ran her hand over the soft fabric and nodded. 
Ayumi could tell that the work was skilled and respectable,
but nothing extraordinary.  It didn't match, for example, the
work her grandmother was capable of.  It was full of Sensei's
magic, though, and more importantly, Sensei's love.  She
reached out and touched it with a bit of reverence.  "Spells,"
she whispered.

"Protection spells," Sensei nodded.  "To help you feel
safe.  You're always safe here, but I thought this might help
you be brave while Yue and I are gone."  She held it a little
further out and Ayumi grasped it slowly and pulled it to her
chest.  She closed her eyes and hugged it tight and laughed
because it felt so warm and strong and she was happy.  Sensei
knew.  This would keep her safe even when ...  

A gap.  Thoughts slid past and she did not pursue them.

"Thank you, Sensei."

Sakura leaned close and took her in her arms and held her,
and nothing that would come someday could ever keep her from
remembering what it felt like to be safe and have a wonderful
sensei who loved you and wanted you to stay with her so she
could help you learn how to use your own magic for when you
were bigger.


***


"It's not that I *hate* Yue."

Spinel was not convinced.  His tail swung back and forth
in the slow rhythm that meant contemplation and sometimes
skepticism.

"I don't.  I just hate ... well ... master's obsession
with him.  It's not healthy.  Did he tell you that Yue is
Sakura's lover now?"

The pace of swings increased marginally.  No one but Ruby
Moon (and perhaps the not-quite-so-observant-as-he-used-to-be
Eriol on a good day) would have noticed the change.  "He told
me.  Ten years ago."

"Mou!  I'm the last to know *everything*!"

"Well, considering how you get about Yue-"

"How *I* get about Yue?!"

The ebony Sun Guardian sighed.  "He probably just didn't
think about it.  He forgets things these days."

"Not the right things."

Spinel had no opinion.

"Look, I know you think I'm totally jealous of Yue because
he has a lover and a master who's *not* prone to getting
totally wrapped up in herself and a classic education and a
*gender*, but you're wrong.  I'm just not built that way.  I
know how it works.  'A guardian is not human.  A guardian in
his true form has only one set of passions.  The passion for
human affection and physical contact and the passion for food
and sleep are mutually exclusive even in the very finest of
Clow's creations.'  I'm *fine* with that.  I don't envy Yue
Sakura's love.  I just envy Yue Eriol's love. *I'm* his Moon
Guardian.  I don't want to go to bed with him or anything
disgusting like that, but is it too much to ask that he not
always compare me to Yue?  Is it too much to ask that he not
be so bloody obvious about how he regrets not making me into a
stupid mopy Yue clone when he had the chance?"

"It shouldn't be.  But you must be patient.  Our master is
not well.  You know that."

"How long is he going to brood in there?  How long has he
been awake?"

"He's troubled by something.  Perhaps he wants to be
alone."

Ruby Moon pouted.  "Do you remember when he used to come
to *us* when he was troubled?"

"It's five in the morning.  Perhaps he hasn't entirely
given up on the idea of sleep yet."

"I wish we knew what it was that keeps waking him."

"Even Eriol does not know that yet.  Don't worry.  Perhaps
when he learns, it will be a harmless challenge.  Something to
take his mind off the past.  Something just serious enough to
snap him out of this phase he's in."

"Phase?"

Spinel almost smiled.  It was a bit of an understatement. 
"It's been all but a century since ..."

The Moon Guardian was seized with an irrational fit of
annoyance.  "You can't even say it, can you?"  She bit her
upper lip and glared.

"Can you?"

She opened her mouth, but nothing came out.  It was too
frustrating to endure!  She had been hurt by what happened
just as her master had.  She too had loved ...

But now because of Eriol's unconscious control she
couldn't even mourn.  She couldn't even think about the past
properly.   Sometimes it made her so very angry ...

"It's a fine predicament," she half joked.  She was unable
to do anything else.  "Here we all stand, an unwilling living
monument to the supposed treachery of 'She Who Must Not Be
Named.'  See no evil.  Hear no evil."  Her breath caught
before she could finish.  The disgustingly familiar instinct
to avoid anything that resembled the truth of the matter.  No. 
She would not be thwarted here too.  She pressed on with
determination.  "Speak ... no ... evil."

Spinel hung his head.  Ashamed of his own inability to do
as much, he agreed with her by saying nothing at all.

"What are we going to do, Spinel?"

He closed his eyes.  "I wish I knew."


-------------------------------------------------------------- 

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